ST. LOUIS, MO – Prominent white supremacist Dan Donelan, whose faith in the superiority of white people shapes every facet of his life and behavior, may be reconsidering his beliefs based on local white teen Tyler – who is seemingly not growing up to be “supreme.” “We like to give ‘em a few years to … Continue reading
Written by Leah Folta & Lia Woodward The internet is in an uproar after this morning’s announcement that Warner Bros. greenlit an all-female reboot of beloved childhood Olsen twins favorite It Takes Two – re-ruining childhoods already devastated by the recent Ghostbusters movie. Much of the outrage centers around the idea that two memorable roles … Continue reading
ARCADIA, CA — A local teen struggling to make decisions about her future on Friday afternoon was visited by herself from the year 2028 and was pleased to find that she had plenty of time to acclimate to the situation. (As a minor, she remains anonymous.) “I wish the media would stop and think for … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. – At the First Annual Subnormal Temperature Hands Convention in the nation’s capital this month, organizers were surprised to discover that they also had an accidental OB/gyn convention on their cold, cold hands. The 693 speakers and attendees, enjoying panels and workshops such as “Discreet Blankets For Public Use,” “Wearing Mittens To Bed: … Continue reading
PASADENA, CA – The upcoming Gilmore Girls Netflix revival has aroused excitement in hordes of internet fans, but for one woman the arousal is literal – and not as fun as it sounds. “It’s ruined my life, honestly, and I’m sick of hiding it,” Tasha Perkins, 41, revealed about her newfound affliction. “I can only, … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House officials scrambled for answers this morning when news broke that the nation’s unemployment rate for Andrew Garfields has skyrocketed in recent months – to approximately 100%. “He’s so talented, he’s brilliant. There’s no reason. How did we let this happen?” A spokesperson for Garfield said in a live press conference … Continue reading
LOS ANGELES, CA – In a turn of events yesterday evening, Melissa finally showed up at 7:24 with breathless reports of “traffic, like, everywhere.” “I think the rest of us saw the traffic coming, given that it was dinner and dinner typically happens right at the end of rush hour,” explained one witness, a friend … Continue reading
Please look at Ted Cruz. Continue reading
Join Pinterest, or a well-trained mafia of women in embroidered vintage gloves and cute feather patterned hoods will hold you down in your sleep and force your eyes open as they sign you up against your will. And you better start goddamn pinning or the process will be repeated as the mafia pins some Mason-jar-themed … Continue reading
Last week as the Dilling family gathered on the couch to enjoy the Saturday Night Live Christmas Special, Brianna Dilling, 24, and Luke Dilling, 22, couldn’t help but notice that their dad suddenly appeared to be in a deep sleep during each sketch that featured uncomfortable innuendos, according to reports. Brianna and Luke confirmed that … Continue reading
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