ST. LOUIS, MO – Prominent white supremacist Dan Donelan, whose faith in the superiority of white people shapes every facet of his life and behavior, may be reconsidering his beliefs based on local white teen Tyler – who is seemingly not growing up to be “supreme.” “We like to give ‘em a few years to … Continue reading
WILMINGTON, NC – Forty-year-old American citizen and small business manager, Eric Smith, was sifting through online article after online article for any news on how “Brexit” might affect Hogwarts and the rest of the wizarding community across the pond. “I keep hearing about the Brexit and how disastrous it is for lots of U.K. industries … Continue reading
LOS ANGELES, CA – Local white woman Sadie Andreyevsky reported to authorities this morning that she felt “flustered, broken, and confused” – because of her favorite rice, vanilla, and cinnamon drink. “I know I’m doing it wrong,” she announced to a silent press conference, visibly welling with emotion. “But I can’t stop. I think … Continue reading
But any success of Jen’s magnitude has enemies. One former friend feels snubbed by Jen’s success. “I got her this job. She was NEVER the funny one! Saying ‘hello, hello?’ into the phone when no one is there? I invented that. Jen is a thief and hack.” Continue reading
![Every Local News Broadcast Ever [Sketch]](https://leahandlia.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/screen-shot-2014-07-23-at-10-23-57-am.png?w=290&h=290&crop=1 "Every Local News Broadcast Ever [Sketch]")
We noticed local news gets kind of… repetitive. Continue reading
“I definitely don’t believe in a perfect, all-knowing version of Beyoncé,” said one woman polled for a long-term study of Americans’ attitudes about the entertainer. She recently decided she identifies as Beyoncé-agnostic. “She’s probably something more like an energy that we can’t totally understand yet.” “Um, I don’t believe in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy … Continue reading
The small, elite group of Washington, D.C. officials who decide every year just how much space is appropriate for gaps between sections of bathroom stalls confirmed once again that everything is going, as one official put it, “super well.” “We’re very happy to confirm that the limits we’ve all been living with since the founding … Continue reading
1. Missing the Recess gang. And that kid whose bed you lived under that looked like one of the Recess gang. (Mikey.) 2. Wishing you still had Lipsmackers lip gloss, which was the only thing that could classily dazzle up scaly green skin in middle school. 3. Collecting AOL free trial CDs in the mail … Continue reading
They are the “Me Generation,” coddled to delusion, constantly Twittering everything on their Facebooks. When I was your age, we didn’t have these millennial “material girls” with their mohawks, robot obsession, crop tops, hair metal, and the rise of crack cocaine. All these flannel-wearing draft-dodging feminist millennials are too selfish to get a job or … Continue reading
The Mystery of the Spider That Fell Behind The Dresser Nancy Drew And The Guy That Was Walking Kind Of Close Behind You After Work Anne Rice’s The Night Jogger That Ran Like A Zombie Stephen King’s The GChat About Your Boss That Your Boss Totally Walked By And Saw Harry Potter and the Shadow … Continue reading
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