When I was 22, all we thought about was grandmas, postmarital sex, and helping others.

They are the “Me Generation,” coddled to delusion, constantly Twittering everything on their Facebooks.

When I was your age, we didn’t have these millennial “material girls” with their mohawks, robot obsession, crop tops, hair metal, and the rise of crack cocaine.

All these flannel-wearing draft-dodging feminist millennials are too selfish to get a job or cook a decent meal to go with their precious birth control. Long-haired young men these days don’t even shave their faces and can say “butt” on the radio! Millennials are just communist sock-hopping sex perverts, with their leather jackets, tongue-kissin’ and “rock music.”

The main problem with this damn generation, with their interracial love abominations and their “jazz,” is these delusional young people showing their ankles, cutting their hair short like men, and dancing the “Charleston” while they demand the right to vote like a bunch of whiny deviants.

What’s wrong is the millennials don’t even know what decent people look like, because their parents all let them go to school past grade four to leave their family fields untended and burdened with unpicked crops. You’ll find nary a child-hand these days mangled by textile equipment! We’ve let them believe their whole lives that their precious hands shouldn’t be mangled by textile equipment. And we wonder why there are no morals in this world? My friend’s millennial daughter is refusing to marry up to a spice merchant, she’s run off with a boy abandoning his destiny as the next prophet and Krog Oog next door seems much more interested in himself than hunting, gathering or migrating.

My point: millennials are Facebook-obsessed narcissist failures who think their opinion on anything matters, so thank god I’ve got a blog to post on to make sure everyone knows mine. To this varied generation whose birth years span decades, it’s my informed opinion that your life would be better if you would Tweet less.