The worsening climate crisis has yielded yet another unexpected consequence – the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back but it is way too hot for that. More than 50 million Americans now live in areas where enjoying Pumpkin Spice Lattes in September is simply impossible and nothing short of a death wish. What once was a … Continue reading
After promises from the highly criticized agency to be “less slow to take action,” the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidance Friday saying it does not recommend sucking on a partner’s outstretched tongue on account of being, “just too weird.” “It’s just a really, really bizarre sensation for both parties. We … Continue reading
This week’s Game of Thrones episode faced criticism (answered directly by its cinematographer) in some circles that its lengthy battle scenes were too dark to see. If you were one of the unfortunate viewers whose monitors, living room lamps, and gap-fraught blinds impeded your vision, we’ve highlighted some of the important details that were easiest … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C.– Senator Jeff Flake tweeted a stinging rebuke of President Donald Trump’s latest controversial comments Thursday, most notably without the homemade ghost costume Flake has been wearing since September and well past Halloween. Sources say that Flake took off the billowy disguise (from under which he has been criticizing Trump for months) sometime soon … Continue reading
EL PASO, TEXAS– After Democrat Beto O’Rourke passionately told supporters in his concession speech that he was “so f—ing proud of you guys” for what they accomplished in the ultimately unsuccessful but admirably fought battle against incumbent Senator Ted Cruz, local mom Judy Veranda voiced her mild disapproval of Beto’s use of the F word. … Continue reading
EVERYWHERE, U.S.– A new study published Friday found that Trump supporters require increasingly extreme rhetoric over time in order to get off. Reaching back as far as 2011, the study closely examined how Trump supporters– once adequately satisfied with controversial (racist) statements questioning President Barack Obama’s citizenship in the United States– have habitually needed more … Continue reading
Local woman Shannon Ethers, 30, earned herself early talk of an Oscar nod after her performance at a boutique lingerie shop where she convincingly reacted to an $800 bra like it was no big deal. Ethers had reportedly never intended to go into the previously unnoticed shop but popped into the store on a whim … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s life was officially ruined in a private ceremony Saturday with his family, the president, key politicians, and the other 8 sitting supreme court justices in attendance. President Donald Trump bemoaned Kavanaugh’s ruined life to those present for the occasion before Chief Justice John Roberts and former Justice Anthony Kennedy … Continue reading
WASHINGTON D.C. – Senator Collins heroically addressed the Senate Friday to announce her intention to vote YES on Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the Supreme Court, emphasizing that “we must listen to women before we tell them it doesn’t matter.” In her passionate statement, Senator Collins bravely insisted, “we have to acknowledge the Me Too movement … Continue reading
CHICAGO, IL – Ferris Bueller doubled down Tuesday in a public statement that he spent the entire school day in question at home, sick and in bed after providing calendars from his time in high school in the 80s that make no mention of being anywhere other than his room that day. “I have never … Continue reading
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