WASHINGTON, D.C. — After weeks of writing the much-anticipated Senate version of the House’s recent health care bill alone in his shell, McConnell’s work has been met with an uproar. “It was very hard to reach him. The bottom part of his shell folds up slightly to create a seal with the top part,” Rep. … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. – At the First Annual Subnormal Temperature Hands Convention in the nation’s capital this month, organizers were surprised to discover that they also had an accidental OB/gyn convention on their cold, cold hands. The 693 speakers and attendees, enjoying panels and workshops such as “Discreet Blankets For Public Use,” “Wearing Mittens To Bed: … Continue reading
WILMINGTON, NC – Forty-year-old American citizen and small business manager, Eric Smith, was sifting through online article after online article for any news on how “Brexit” might affect Hogwarts and the rest of the wizarding community across the pond. “I keep hearing about the Brexit and how disastrous it is for lots of U.K. industries … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House officials scrambled for answers this morning when news broke that the nation’s unemployment rate for Andrew Garfields has skyrocketed in recent months – to approximately 100%. “He’s so talented, he’s brilliant. There’s no reason. How did we let this happen?” A spokesperson for Garfield said in a live press conference … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In good news for fans of sustainability and bad news for anyone already having trouble keeping track of Hollywood’s white Chris population, President Obama announced Thursday that the future of renewable Chris-es is looking bright – and very blond. “Recent advances have been astounding, but I know we can do better,” the … Continue reading
But any success of Jen’s magnitude has enemies. One former friend feels snubbed by Jen’s success. “I got her this job. She was NEVER the funny one! Saying ‘hello, hello?’ into the phone when no one is there? I invented that. Jen is a thief and hack.” Continue reading
A midsize Los Angeles production company announced Tuesday that they are “expanding unpaid interns’ roles to increase their opportunities to learn,” according to their PR department, currently consisting of one intern. Most seem to enjoy the new arrangement. “I wasn’t sure how to feel when I started cleaning the bathrooms, but acting as CEO two … Continue reading
![Every Local News Broadcast Ever [Sketch]](https://leahandlia.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/screen-shot-2014-07-23-at-10-23-57-am.png?w=290&h=290&crop=1 "Every Local News Broadcast Ever [Sketch]")
We noticed local news gets kind of… repetitive. Continue reading
Local grocery store chain company employee Olivia Dewris reported Monday that she felt “considerably uplifted” by the idea of being reborn as a corporation in the next life, “if I’m lucky.” Dewris had been daydreaming about the concept of reincarnation when she began to fantasize about the possibilities. “I started thinking about what could possibly … Continue reading
There has been some pundit outrage this week that Darren Aronofsky’s new Christian religious happyjam movie Noah isn’t as happy or religious as expected. Turning for solace from the garbage nonmovie to the week’s other box office titan, Captain America 2, theatergoers were shocked and horrified to find that the Captain’s biblical story was also different than … Continue reading
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