There has been some pundit outrage this week that Darren Aronofsky’s new Christian religious happyjam movie Noah isn’t as happy or religious as expected. Turning for solace from the garbage nonmovie to the week’s other box office titan, Captain America 2, theatergoers were shocked and horrified to find that the Captain’s biblical story was also different than they remembered.
“Wasn’t he covered in more flags?” one anonymous male asked after a screening. “I think the Bible specified more American flags on his costume. Big ones, little ones. You know. They’d fit.”
The film didn’t fare better with women. “I found his sense of mercy and idealism very un-American. The Bible wouldn’t write him that way,” a young woman said.
“Wasn’t he supposed to have giant tires and crush cars?” asked another. “I might be thinking of a monster truck.”
“I don’t understand why we had to focus on the Captain America that’s willing to defy authority to do what he feels is right. What about the Captain America that trusts the government and hates liberals?” said one member of a middle school class that came to see the movie. “I thought that was the Captain we were going to see.”
The middle school class’s teacher was even more heated. “This Captain America movie is like, Hollywood and the Bible had a meeting, and Hollywood showed up hungover and was like ‘I’m going to make whatever shitty movie I want,’ and the Bible was like ‘no, it’s my turn for once, you’re ruining America,’ and Hollywood was like ‘joke’s on you,’ and it devolved into a slap fight but somehow Hollywood won. Typical.”
“I just hope we can expect some faithfulness from the new X-Men,” said another child. “Or right-wing non-denominational Fox News Christian God help us all.”