WASHINGTON, D.C. – At the First Annual Subnormal Temperature Hands Convention in the nation’s capital this month, organizers were surprised to discover that they also had an accidental OB/gyn convention on their cold, cold hands.

The 693 speakers and attendees, enjoying panels and workshops such as “Discreet Blankets For Public Use,” “Wearing Mittens To Bed: Why Not?,” “Handy Tips For Less Off-Putting Handjobs,” and “Happy As A Clam: It’s Okay To Be Cold AND Sweaty.” 8% of overall convention minutes were spent on requests to raise the temperature of the thermostat, but it wasn’t until the cocktail hour at the end of the first day when everyone started to notice a trend.

“I organized the ‘You Do You, Comfortably’ and ‘Goodness Gracious, Great Balls Of Ice!’ seminars on masturbation, and I realized many had come to the convention for their patients’ sakes,” Doctor Ellen L. Schziftsaur recalled. “Many had not, but were also gynecologists.”

When asked whether women could expect to see a change in their doctor’s hands as a result of the convention, Schziftsaur isn’t optimistic. “There are roughly 34,000 gynecologists in the US, so we’ve only reached a tiny fraction of them. And all my advice for touching their own vaginas was sex-toy-based, so that probably will only minimally impact their patients.”

But for the doctors who are trying, we have to give them a hand – a cold hand, obviously, in a play on words a cat literally wrote by stepping on this keyboard.