Scientific Community: “Love already 90% dead due to human activity.”
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Scientific Community: “Love already 90% dead due to human activity.”

HOLLYWOOD, California – Years of speculation and debate officially came to an end Monday as the scientific community announced it had reached a consensus: Love is already 90% dead, indisputably due to human activity. Experts were aware Love had been dying with increasing speed over the last decade, but  the idea that humans, especially famous … Continue reading

Nation’s Top Coldest Hands Are All Gynecologists
Adulthood Struggles / Business News / Health / Natural Phenomena / The Man / Women and Men

Nation’s Top Coldest Hands Are All Gynecologists

WASHINGTON, D.C. – At the First Annual Subnormal Temperature Hands Convention in the nation’s capital this month, organizers were surprised to discover that they also had an accidental OB/gyn convention on their cold, cold hands. The 693 speakers and attendees, enjoying panels and workshops such as “Discreet Blankets For Public Use,” “Wearing Mittens To Bed: … Continue reading

Nation’s Marginalized Citizens Sick Of Writing Think Pieces
Adulthood Struggles / General Whining / In The News / Politics / Social Media / The Man

Nation’s Marginalized Citizens Sick Of Writing Think Pieces

LOS ANGELES, CA – As the famous law of physics states, every ignorant public comment or piece of media released by a prominent figure has an equal and opposite reaction from the blogosphere. Unfortunately for physics, ignorant comment-saying and media creation requires much less energy than the necessary response to explain why it was degrading … Continue reading

This Woman Can Only Orgasm To New Info About Gilmore Girls Revival
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This Woman Can Only Orgasm To New Info About Gilmore Girls Revival

PASADENA, CA – The upcoming Gilmore Girls Netflix revival has aroused excitement in hordes of internet fans, but for one woman the arousal is literal – and not as fun as it sounds. “It’s ruined my life, honestly, and I’m sick of hiding it,” Tasha Perkins, 41, revealed about her newfound affliction. “I can only, … Continue reading

Nation’s Unemployment Rate For Andrew Garfields At 100%
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Nation’s Unemployment Rate For Andrew Garfields At 100%

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House officials scrambled for answers this morning when news broke that the nation’s unemployment rate for Andrew Garfields has skyrocketed in recent months – to approximately 100%. “He’s so talented, he’s brilliant. There’s no reason. How did we let this happen?” A spokesperson for Garfield said in a live press conference … Continue reading

Friend Late To Meal Surprised About Traffic
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Friend Late To Meal Surprised About Traffic

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a turn of events yesterday evening, Melissa finally showed up at 7:24 with breathless reports of “traffic, like, everywhere.” “I think the rest of us saw the traffic coming, given that it was dinner and dinner typically happens right at the end of rush hour,” explained one witness, a friend … Continue reading