Get Juicier Booty by Resting Ten Minutes Before Serving
Advice / Food / Get More Sex / Health / science / Self Help / Women and Men

Get Juicier Booty by Resting Ten Minutes Before Serving

Experts have found that a simple trick will improve the taste and texture of your booty the next time you serve your guests (or just yourself!). Rest your booty for ten minutes before serving, or all of the care and effort you put into preparation may result in a booty that’s tougher and chewier than … Continue reading

Gender is a Spectrum, and Sexuality is a Verizon Fios
Get More Sex / Health / Inspirational / Natural Phenomena / Politics / science / Self Help / Women and Men

Gender is a Spectrum, and Sexuality is a Verizon Fios

Modern understanding of gender and sexuality has led to so many exciting discussions and nuances. Since more people now realize that gender is a Spectrum, if you act now you can bundle a home telephone line with your identity. Since gender is separate from sexuality, this does not preclude you from getting lightning fast internet … Continue reading

CDC Does Not Recommend Sucking On Partner’s Outstretched Tongue, “It’s just too weird.”
Health / Politics / science

CDC Does Not Recommend Sucking On Partner’s Outstretched Tongue, “It’s just too weird.”

After promises from the highly criticized agency to be “less slow to take action,” the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidance Friday saying it does not recommend sucking on a partner’s outstretched tongue on account of being, “just too weird.” “It’s just a really, really bizarre sensation for both parties. We … Continue reading

Scientific Community: “Love already 90% dead due to human activity.”
Celebrities / Grief Counseling / In The News / Women and Men

Scientific Community: “Love already 90% dead due to human activity.”

HOLLYWOOD, California – Years of speculation and debate officially came to an end Monday as the scientific community announced it had reached a consensus: Love is already 90% dead, indisputably due to human activity. Experts were aware Love had been dying with increasing speed over the last decade, but  the idea that humans, especially famous … Continue reading

Nation’s Top Coldest Hands Are All Gynecologists
Adulthood Struggles / Business News / Health / Natural Phenomena / The Man / Women and Men

Nation’s Top Coldest Hands Are All Gynecologists

WASHINGTON, D.C. – At the First Annual Subnormal Temperature Hands Convention in the nation’s capital this month, organizers were surprised to discover that they also had an accidental OB/gyn convention on their cold, cold hands. The 693 speakers and attendees, enjoying panels and workshops such as “Discreet Blankets For Public Use,” “Wearing Mittens To Bed: … Continue reading

Nation’s Marginalized Citizens Sick Of Writing Think Pieces
Adulthood Struggles / General Whining / In The News / Politics / Social Media / The Man

Nation’s Marginalized Citizens Sick Of Writing Think Pieces

LOS ANGELES, CA – As the famous law of physics states, every ignorant public comment or piece of media released by a prominent figure has an equal and opposite reaction from the blogosphere. Unfortunately for physics, ignorant comment-saying and media creation requires much less energy than the necessary response to explain why it was degrading … Continue reading

This Woman Can Only Orgasm To New Info About Gilmore Girls Revival
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This Woman Can Only Orgasm To New Info About Gilmore Girls Revival

PASADENA, CA – The upcoming Gilmore Girls Netflix revival has aroused excitement in hordes of internet fans, but for one woman the arousal is literal – and not as fun as it sounds. “It’s ruined my life, honestly, and I’m sick of hiding it,” Tasha Perkins, 41, revealed about her newfound affliction. “I can only, … Continue reading

Nation’s Unemployment Rate For Andrew Garfields At 100%
Business News / Celebrities / In The News / Movies/TV / Politics / The Man

Nation’s Unemployment Rate For Andrew Garfields At 100%

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House officials scrambled for answers this morning when news broke that the nation’s unemployment rate for Andrew Garfields has skyrocketed in recent months – to approximately 100%. “He’s so talented, he’s brilliant. There’s no reason. How did we let this happen?” A spokesperson for Garfield said in a live press conference … Continue reading

Friend Late To Meal Surprised About Traffic
Adulthood Struggles / Advice / Food / General Whining / Natural Phenomena / Neighborhood News / Self Help

Friend Late To Meal Surprised About Traffic

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a turn of events yesterday evening, Melissa finally showed up at 7:24 with breathless reports of “traffic, like, everywhere.” “I think the rest of us saw the traffic coming, given that it was dinner and dinner typically happens right at the end of rush hour,” explained one witness, a friend … Continue reading