WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House officials scrambled for answers this morning when news broke that the nation’s unemployment rate for Andrew Garfields has skyrocketed in recent months – to approximately 100%.
“He’s so talented, he’s brilliant. There’s no reason. How did we let this happen?” A spokesperson for Garfield said in a live press conference minutes ago.
Popular theory generally blames a still-recovering Spider-Man economy, since the most recent data previously available was from 2014 when unemployment rested at a temperate 0%. Expert analysts, however, know this isn’t the case.
“He’s not Spider-Man anymore, they cast another guy,” expert analyst Jeff explained in a press release. “Spider-Man isn’t the answer to this problem anymore.”
A TV show or book deal have been touted as renewable long-term sources of employment for Garfield, but government investment in these areas has been weak.
An exhausted President Obama took the podium at the White House moments ago for the official response. “This isn’t how actor unemployment works,” Obama began, eyes closed. “He has several movies in pre-production. And even when a movie comes out, he finished work on it months ago.”
Protesters are currently gathering outside the White House to protest inaction and refusal to find support for solutions.