The worsening climate crisis has yielded yet another unexpected consequence – the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back but it is way too hot for that. More than 50 million Americans now live in areas where enjoying Pumpkin Spice Lattes in September is simply impossible and nothing short of a death wish. What once was a … Continue reading
Tag Archives: satire
Get Juicier Booty by Resting Ten Minutes Before Serving
Experts have found that a simple trick will improve the taste and texture of your booty the next time you serve your guests (or just yourself!). Rest your booty for ten minutes before serving, or all of the care and effort you put into preparation may result in a booty that’s tougher and chewier than … Continue reading
Gender is a Spectrum, and Sexuality is a Verizon Fios
Modern understanding of gender and sexuality has led to so many exciting discussions and nuances. Since more people now realize that gender is a Spectrum, if you act now you can bundle a home telephone line with your identity. Since gender is separate from sexuality, this does not preclude you from getting lightning fast internet … Continue reading
CDC Does Not Recommend Sucking On Partner’s Outstretched Tongue, “It’s just too weird.”
After promises from the highly criticized agency to be “less slow to take action,” the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidance Friday saying it does not recommend sucking on a partner’s outstretched tongue on account of being, “just too weird.” “It’s just a really, really bizarre sensation for both parties. We … Continue reading
OPINION: I’m Writing In to Denounce The NYT Op-Ed Anomous…Anomously
By now we’ve all seen– you’ve all seen it, haven’t you, the Op-ed? Yes. You’ve all seen it in the Failing New York Times. The Op-Ed was of course anomous…anomousss, but listen folks, two can play that game! So I’m writing in to say what gutless, disgusting–they are gutless to do this against the great … Continue reading
How To Make The Most Of Your Time Alone With Your Uterus Before Kavanaugh’s Confirmation
Kamala is doing her best and public opinion isn’t currently glowing, but the political pressure on Republicans and legislatively hilariously easy path for Brett Kavanaugh makes his placement on the Supreme Court currently seem inevitable. So here are some fun date ideas to make the most of your remaining alone time with your uterus! Have … Continue reading
Scientific Community: “Love already 90% dead due to human activity.”
HOLLYWOOD, California – Years of speculation and debate officially came to an end Monday as the scientific community announced it had reached a consensus: Love is already 90% dead, indisputably due to human activity. Experts were aware Love had been dying with increasing speed over the last decade, but the idea that humans, especially famous … Continue reading
Mitch McConnell Emerges From Shell With Massive Cut To Medicaid, Tax Cut For Rich
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After weeks of writing the much-anticipated Senate version of the House’s recent health care bill alone in his shell, McConnell’s work has been met with an uproar. “It was very hard to reach him. The bottom part of his shell folds up slightly to create a seal with the top part,” Rep. … Continue reading
10 Decorative Fall Gourds That Look More Like My Boobs Than Anything On HBO
Maybe you think these fall gourds are weird looking, but I promise you wouldn’t think that if HBO would cast a wider variety of topless women. 1 Even these normal-looking little pumpkins probably make you feel a little weird when I say they look like my breasts – why? Is that the world we really want … Continue reading
5 Birds To Fantasize About Living As For The Rest Of Election Season
Instead of living through the last couple weeks of garbage smell in verbal form that all of our news feeds have become, try pretending that you are, instead, a graceful creature of the sky. Your news is birdsong and your desk is the trees. Your friends are birds too and your conversation is more birdsong. You … Continue reading