Health / Politics / science

CDC Does Not Recommend Sucking On Partner’s Outstretched Tongue, “It’s just too weird.”

CDC Edward R. Roybal Campus

After promises from the highly criticized agency to be “less slow to take action,” the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidance Friday saying it does not recommend sucking on a partner’s outstretched tongue on account of being, “just too weird.”

“It’s just a really, really bizarre sensation for both parties. We don’t– we can’t recommend it.”

– Rochelle Walensky, CDC Director

Discussing the guidelines, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky outlined how the act of one person sticking their tongue outside of their mouth, and then that person’s partner using their lips to suck on said tongue all by itself, “is just a really, really bizarre sensation for both parties. We don’t– we can’t recommend it.”

The new guidance comes after a recent study that found every participating CDC researcher shook their head and frowned when asked to suck on a romantic partner’s exposed tongue. For the subset of researchers that did try it, the results were even more dramatic – 100% recoiled and yelled, “No! That is wrong. I don’t like that, and no one will like that.” None of the researchers were shown to stick their own tongue out as an expression of disgust, likely due to the fear of having their own tongues sucked by surprise.

“This guidance 100% aligns with prevailing medical opinion,” said Dr. Karina Barnes, an infectious disease specialist at the University of California at San Francisco. “Remember that the tongue’s meaty softness and slimy, bumpy texture makes for a completely different experience when it comes to pursing lips directly around it and sucking. What may be appealing, even romantic when used one way can quickly become unsettlingly close to slurping a balmy, fat worm with just a minor tweak. The CDC guidance reflects that, and I have to agree.”

“I would not recommend sucking on a partner’s extended tongue to my own family member, and I certainly do not recommend it to the American people,” said Walensky. “We’re following the science, and the science says it’s too weird for anyone. Now we can take the opportunity to get ahead of this thing before it becomes a problem. You’re welcome.”


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