Celebrities / Grief Counseling / In The News / Women and Men

Scientific Community: “Love already 90% dead due to human activity.”

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HOLLYWOOD, California – Years of speculation and debate officially came to an end Monday as the scientific community announced it had reached a consensus: Love is already 90% dead, indisputably due to human activity.

Experts were aware Love had been dying with increasing speed over the last decade, but  the idea that humans, especially famous ones, might be responsible for Love being in trouble first gained real traction when Amy Poehler and Will Arnett announced their crushing split in 2012. Many didn’t want to believe that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, or Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield could really have that kind of impact, instead clinging to the suggestion that Love has its cyclical ups and downs anyway. In spite of strong opposition, specialists looked at everything from Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner to Chris Evans and Jenny Slate and the evidence was crystal clear: Love is almost completely dead thanks to humans, and it’s unlikely to recover soon, if at all.

Scientists described the recent separation of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris after 8 years of marriage as one of the most widespread setbacks in the fight to save Love since the end of Brangelina, the effects of which will easily be felt for generations to come. “We didn’t expect to see this much devastation for another 50 years,” said Lana Beron, director of Center for Love Studies at NYU. “We’ve looked at the data, the long term trends — Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon  — most faith in Love is either dying or already dead, and we’re losing time fast.”

If another high profile couple on the level of someone like (but not necessarily) Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell splits up, as scientists fear is increasingly likely as time goes on, some of the last surviving Love could be lost, along with any hope of the average person bothering to celebrate another anniversary or Valentine’s Day.  For single people, the stakes are even higher. “Millions of single people get hope from David and Victoria Beckham,” explains Beron. “Losing them could become a humanitarian crisis.”

Scientists warned decades ago that Love would be at risk if human society kept breaking its own heart at a runaway pace and releasing destructive cynicism into the atmosphere. Love has been around since biblical times, if not longer, but as Beron explains, “Love is highly sensitive to human activity. Even the break up of Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry was pretty damaging, but something like Chrissy Teigen and John Legend calling it quits could push us past the point of no return and kill it altogether.”

Leaders in combating the death of Love had hoped for more support and action from the country’s leadership, as former president and first lady Barack and Michelle Obama had made great strides in the effort to save Love. Unfortunately, the current president’s behavior with the First Lady has dashed those hopes and continues to threaten any vital progress made during the last administration. In spite of this, activist groups are trying to protect Love at the local level by sharing stories of that one friend who married a guy they met on tinder and photos of old people holding hands, but experts fear it may be too little too late.

“We’re doing our best with Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum, John Krasinski and Emily Blunt, Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, George and Amal Clooney, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes, Will and Jada, royal Will and Kate, Portia and Ellen– all of them need to hold it together. Right now we think we’ve stabilized Jay-Z and Beyonce, but we’re really banking on Kit Harrington and Rose Leslie from Game of Thrones getting married,” says Beron. “I dunno, if Star Wars’ Oscar Isaac and John Boyega got together in real life… that might buy us another 20-30 years, but we really can’t rely on that.”

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