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Mitch McConnell Emerges From Shell With Massive Cut To Medicaid, Tax Cut For Rich

mitch mcconnell emerges

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After weeks of writing the much-anticipated Senate version of the House’s recent health care bill alone in his shell, McConnell’s work has been met with an uproar.

“It was very hard to reach him. The bottom part of his shell folds up slightly to create a seal with the top part,” Rep. Mike Lee of Utah said, in a shocking reveal – since he was originally intended to co-author the bill. “It’s a neat natural defense system, but I wish he had included me. I know he knew I was there.”

The bill has been called “cruel” by critics, and tax benefits are designed to reach only individuals making more than $200,000 per year (or $250,000 for a couple). McConnell intends to rush the bill to a vote as early as next week, and has reportedly bitten Democrats who ask for more of a chance to evaluate the far-reaching impact of the law.

“He said he was going for the baby carrot in my hand, but I suspect he intended to bite my finger,” Sen. Kamala Harris of California said in a Facebook video, sporting a band-aid. “But turtles do need a lot of fresh veggies. I hope he’s getting them.”

John McCain has yet to object in an official capacity, but has criticized McConnell’s closed-shell tactics and also questioned how a computer and printer even fit inside the shell with McConnell. “With all due respect to my colleague, did he get a tiny laptop custom made so he can work in there? He didn’t come out for weeks. Does he keep food inside his… body? Shell?”

When asked for comment, it seemed McConnell had retreated into his shell once more.     

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