Pictured: A Life Ruined

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s life was officially ruined in a private ceremony Saturday with his family, the president, key politicians, and the other 8 sitting supreme court justices in attendance. President Donald Trump bemoaned Kavanaugh’s ruined life to those present for the occasion before Chief Justice John Roberts and former Justice Anthony Kennedy shared their condolences by swearing in Brett Kavanaugh as an associate justice to the Supreme Court.

The president also extended thanks to Senator Mitch McConnell and the republican senators on the Senate Judiciary Committee who showed sufficient outrage over Kavanaugh’s life being ruined during the process through which they promoted him to the highest court in the land.

The ruined Associate Justice Kavanaugh has since hired 4 female clerks (the first ruined man on the Supreme Court to do so) and has already begun hearing cases.

“It’s just unforgivable what they did to Brett Kavanaugh,” shouted South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham after the ceremony. “He went from ‘accused sexual assailant Judge Brett Kavanaugh’ to ‘accused sexual assailant Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’ for the rest of his life,” Graham sobbed through gritted teeth. “I worry to think about the future boys— our sons!— who will have their lives ruined right before they move on and settle into promotions they are owed in their respected fields. It’s maddening and it’s wrong and we all know it.”