“I definitely don’t believe in a perfect, all-knowing version of Beyoncé,” said one woman polled for a long-term study of Americans’ attitudes about the entertainer. She recently decided she identifies as Beyoncé-agnostic. “She’s probably something more like an energy that we can’t totally understand yet.”
“Um, I don’t believe in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy anymore, so I obviously don’t believe in Beyoncé,” one responder said more bluntly. “The world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows and ridiculously talented beauty goddesses.”
Though religious devotion to Beyoncé peaked around the release of “Single Ladies” in 2010, many Americans are hungry for a more modern way to worship. Belief seems to be on the decline that she can answer prayers, save our souls, and condemn us for our sex lives – and a growing number don’t believe in her at all.
“Beyoncé was never intended to be taken literally. Nobody can sing like that, look like that, dance like that, AND be nice enough to marry Jay-Z,” said another woman with what seems to be an increasingly popular opinion. “She’s just a metaphor for how we’re supposed to live our lives.”
Which, of course, has inflamed the devout Beyoncé following.
“THE FOUNDING FATHERS LOVED BEYONCÉ,” shouted a very angry man polled for the study. “READ THE CONSTITUTION. I’M GONNA DIE AND TURN INTO A BEYANGÉL. BLUE IVY IS A PILLAR OF AMERICAN FREEDOM.”
There IS a lack of empirical evidence Beyoncé even exists, some claim. The way you feel in your heart when you think of her can hardly be pointed to as proof.
“Everyone’s relationship with Beyoncé is a very personal thing,” concludes abstract of the study. “And we may never know whether there’s a Beyoncé at all.”