Last Saturday local resident Charlie Fells went on a “really great” first date with fellow twenty-something Meryl Morris, who according to Charlie was, “a fun, charming, and pretty woman.” Fells divulged that he then accepted an invitation to Morris’ place and proceeded to close out the night by sleeping with her, or in other words, “totally send her the message that I’m a great big slut.”

According to reports, the sex between Fells and Morris was fun, enjoyable, and satisfying for both parties but “completely whorish on Fells’ part.”

“I should have held out longer,” explained a regretful Fells. “Man, I really liked her too, and I thought we had a good time, but there’s no way she’ll want to date me seriously now.”

Experts agree that due to Fells’ failure to protect his most precious commodity, it’s likely “he will never hear from [Morris] again. Not even a text message.” Sources close to Fells say that any hopes of salvaging the situation were dashed when he slept with Morris a second time the following morning. “When will I learn??” asked Fells, fists to the sky.

The visibly embarrassed Fells went on to wonder, “what will the guys think when they hear I had really excellent sex with a woman I like but barely know?” Fells says he already knows what his pals will say because they’ve said it so many times before. “You know girls, you give in to them too fast and then they lose all respect for you.”

“I should have listened to my dad,” Fells went on. “He would always tell me, ‘What is she going to have to look forward to if you already gave up the goods?’ You were right Dad, you were right!”

Kyle, Fells’ long time roommate and best friend, expressed his disappointment. “Now there will be nothing left to keep her interested. Women are only after one thing!” Kyle continued to describe how he encouraged Fells to be strong because sex is literally all a guy has to offer a woman, “but of course Charlie totally blew it.”

“It’s such a turn off to a woman when a man will sleep with her that quickly and easily,” says Heather Barry, a therapist and romance expert. “It’s true what they say, women do love the chase! But not too much chase, or else they will get bored and look elsewhere.”

At press time no one has yet bothered to follow up with Morris since Sunday morning, however Fells insists he already knows the outcome. “If I could have just been a little withholding, I dunno, maybe we’d have a future. I blame myself entirely.”