The small, elite group of Washington, D.C. officials who decide every year just how much space is appropriate for gaps between sections of bathroom stalls confirmed once again that everything is going, as one official put it, “super well.”
“We’re very happy to confirm that the limits we’ve all been living with since the founding of the committee in 1964 are still the best limits for everyone,” the committee chairman beamed.
They faced down complaints about gaps that are occasionally too wide – leaving users of public facilities more visible.
“Have you ever been washing your hands, and made eye contact with someone on the toilet??” one woman who attended the committee hearing pleaded. “It’s inhumane.”
A committee member responded, “we like to keep a small-town feel alive. To me, there’s nothing like cheerfully washing your hands, making eye contact with someone – a real neighbor – while they’re on the toilet.” The other members on the dais murmured in assent.
The officials are certain there’s such a thing as too much privacy. “Too small of a gap creates an opportunity for tomfoolery – and sneaking. I think I speak for everyone when I say I wouldn’t trust me with that opportunity,” the most junior official asserted.
There are nonbelievers, but committee opinions are backed up by some government studies. Their official statement includes: “Research shows that people in single-person bathrooms with real walls and a real door tend to feel isolated, even hopeless. Doesn’t the rest of your life make you feel isolated enough?”
Though they’ve been pretty set on staying the course for the past 49 years, for the committee’s 50th anniversary they’re considering a bold move. “Tiny doors and walls bungee corded together!” The chairman exclaimed gleefully in a press conference this week, with a tear in his eye. “We want freer conversation and a stronger community for stall-sitters in every public bathroom. All. Across. America.”