Adulthood Struggles / Advice / Lists

Tips To Ensure Your Wedding Is Exactly What The Various Women In Your Life Want

bride

  • Join Pinterest, or a well-trained mafia of women in embroidered vintage gloves and cute feather patterned hoods will hold you down in your sleep and force your eyes open as they sign you up against your will. And you better start goddamn pinning or the process will be repeated as the mafia pins some Mason-jar-themed rustic decorations that are SO you.
  • Be ready to tell people how many bridesmaids you’re going to have and how they’re going to match but not in a matchy way and it will all be very, very cute.
  • From here until the big day, the words “red, orange, yellow, green, blue” and “purple” are banned. Get used to saying “peony, blush, melon, rust, emerald, mint, cornflower, orchid” and other non-color names for colors, as well as knowing exactly which is the best expression of your soul and why.
  • Describe your ideal wedding as one where you’ll be some sort of princess-related being living a fairytale-like world or everyone will feel weird. If that seems a little old fashioned, some women like to think of themselves as the president of a magical democracy for the day, or the CEO of a sparkly company.
  • When you hear “my friend had the most DELICIOUS cake at her wedding,” that is a threat. The cake had better be scrumptious. If you ship in a bush league cake to your disgusting farce of a wedding you obviously aren’t sincere about love lasting forever.
  • You haven’t talked to Great Aunt Diane in twelve years since that Christmas Eve when she made your Dad cry — but if you don’t invite her, who’s the REAL monster? (That’s rhetorical. You’re inviting her.)
  • You’re buying your wedding favors pre-made from a company that makes wedding favors? Did the Pinterest mafia not make themselves clear?
  • Listen, we’re sensing a lack of loyalty to the Pinterest family. You… you don’t even own a glue gun? The Boss requests a direct message on Instagram.
  • YOU DON’T HAVE AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT? HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING YOUR CUTE, STAGED STEP-BY-STEP PICTURES FROM US?
  • Try not to scream when you find the crocheted horse head in your bed – the mafia will know they’ve gotten to you. Now get on Instagram.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s