Please look at Ted Cruz
WASHINGTON D.C. – The team behind Ted “Fun Guy” Cruz, whose recent work includes noticing that people seem to love bacon and The Simpsons, have planned for Senator Cruz to eat a bug next recess at the far end of the soccer field.
“He’s totally going to do it. You’ll see. Please be his friend,” his team included in their press release. They also stated that he’d eat the biggest bug they can find at the time, and Josh is going to be on lookout for the playground monitor.
Dana Gheida, a third grade teacher, says this is typical behavior of a kid who has other problems. “He might be having some trouble at home or trouble making friends. Schoolwork doesn’t come easy to him, he’s not doing well in any sports, things like that. Many young people will turn to something like this for attention.”
Cruz’s representatives countered that “that’s totally not true,” and if you sit in the back of the bus on the way home today you can punch him in the arm for a dollar.
“Have you ever seen somebody snort Pixi Stix? Ted Cruz’ll do it!” Senator Cruz himself said at a rally this morning. “Mix together anything in your lunch and he’ll eat it! He’ll drink a Capri Sun-ketchup-Ritz sludge! He’s so crazy and fun!”
Ms. Gheida hopes someone reaches out to the Texas Senator in a more positive way. “It would be great if he learns to bond with his peers over a hobby, or his schoolwork,” she explains. “I think he’s a nice boy. This is probably just a phase.”
Whether or not Ms. Gheida is correct, the bug eating event still seems to be on his schedule.
“Senator Cruz is not an uncharismatic lizard person,” concluded his press release. “Stop saying that.”