White Supremacist Beginning To Think Tyler Not Supreme
Adulthood Struggles / Fears / Neighborhood News / Politics

White Supremacist Beginning To Think Tyler Not Supreme

ST. LOUIS, MO – Prominent white supremacist Dan Donelan, whose faith in the superiority of white people shapes every facet of his life and behavior, may be reconsidering his beliefs based on local white teen Tyler – who is seemingly not growing up to be “supreme.” “We like to give ‘em a few years to … Continue reading

CHILDHOOD RUINED: Olsens’ “It Takes Two” To Be Rebooted With All-Female Cast
90s / Celebrities / In The News / Movies/TV / Social Media / Women and Men

CHILDHOOD RUINED: Olsens’ “It Takes Two” To Be Rebooted With All-Female Cast

Written by Leah Folta & Lia Woodward The internet is in an uproar after this morning’s announcement that Warner Bros. greenlit an all-female reboot of beloved childhood Olsen twins favorite It Takes Two – re-ruining childhoods already devastated by the recent Ghostbusters movie. Much of the outrage centers around the idea that two memorable roles … Continue reading

Time Traveler Who Planned Better Has Plenty Of Time To Explain
Adulthood Struggles / Neighborhood News / Tech News

Time Traveler Who Planned Better Has Plenty Of Time To Explain

ARCADIA, CA — A local teen struggling to make decisions about her future on Friday afternoon was visited by herself from the year 2028 and was pleased to find that she had plenty of time to acclimate to the situation. (As a minor, she remains anonymous.) “I wish the media would stop and think for … Continue reading

Nation’s Top Coldest Hands Are All Gynecologists
Adulthood Struggles / Business News / Health / Natural Phenomena / The Man / Women and Men

Nation’s Top Coldest Hands Are All Gynecologists

WASHINGTON, D.C. – At the First Annual Subnormal Temperature Hands Convention in the nation’s capital this month, organizers were surprised to discover that they also had an accidental OB/gyn convention on their cold, cold hands. The 693 speakers and attendees, enjoying panels and workshops such as “Discreet Blankets For Public Use,” “Wearing Mittens To Bed: … Continue reading

America At Nearby Bar For Birthday This Year If You Wanna Swing By
Adulthood Struggles / Drunk Mistakes / holidays / In The News / Neighborhood News / The Man

America At Nearby Bar For Birthday This Year If You Wanna Swing By

PHILADELPHIA, PA. – Instead of hosting and cleaning up after another party in America’s apartment this year, she decided to have friends gather at a local bar. “It’ll be really low key, feel free to roll through and leave whenever,” America announced in a Facebook event. “Parking’s pretty easy, the meters on the main street … Continue reading

Nation’s Marginalized Citizens Sick Of Writing Think Pieces
Adulthood Struggles / General Whining / In The News / Politics / Social Media / The Man

Nation’s Marginalized Citizens Sick Of Writing Think Pieces

LOS ANGELES, CA – As the famous law of physics states, every ignorant public comment or piece of media released by a prominent figure has an equal and opposite reaction from the blogosphere. Unfortunately for physics, ignorant comment-saying and media creation requires much less energy than the necessary response to explain why it was degrading … Continue reading

This Woman Can Only Orgasm To New Info About Gilmore Girls Revival
Celebrities / Get More Sex / Health / In The News / Movies/TV / Natural Phenomena / Women and Men

This Woman Can Only Orgasm To New Info About Gilmore Girls Revival

PASADENA, CA – The upcoming Gilmore Girls Netflix revival has aroused excitement in hordes of internet fans, but for one woman the arousal is literal – and not as fun as it sounds. “It’s ruined my life, honestly, and I’m sick of hiding it,” Tasha Perkins, 41, revealed about her newfound affliction. “I can only, … Continue reading

Nation’s Unemployment Rate For Andrew Garfields At 100%
Business News / Celebrities / In The News / Movies/TV / Politics / The Man

Nation’s Unemployment Rate For Andrew Garfields At 100%

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House officials scrambled for answers this morning when news broke that the nation’s unemployment rate for Andrew Garfields has skyrocketed in recent months – to approximately 100%. “He’s so talented, he’s brilliant. There’s no reason. How did we let this happen?” A spokesperson for Garfield said in a live press conference … Continue reading

Local Woman Over-Pronouncing Horchata
Adulthood Struggles / Fears / Food / Neighborhood News

Local Woman Over-Pronouncing Horchata

LOS ANGELES, CA – Local white woman Sadie Andreyevsky reported to authorities this morning that she felt “flustered, broken, and confused” – because of her favorite rice, vanilla, and cinnamon drink.   “I know I’m doing it wrong,” she announced to a silent press conference, visibly welling with emotion. “But I can’t stop. I think … Continue reading

Mid-2000s Garfield Comic Strips Still Winner Of Most Space On Dad’s Fridge
Adulthood Struggles / Grief Counseling / Neighborhood News

Mid-2000s Garfield Comic Strips Still Winner Of Most Space On Dad’s Fridge

ARCADIA, CA – Despite her best efforts from birth until age 27, local woman Andy Dawes has been unable to win her father’s approval to the same degree as Jim Davis c. 2002-2007. “When I grew up, it was mainly Garfield strips from the mid-80s that he’d put up there. Also some Hagar the Horrible, … Continue reading