“I’m here to reach across the aisle and see which parts of me being eaten can align with my goals as well,” one Democratic legislator said early Thursday in between guttural shrieks of pain. “It’s impossible to fight back against every bite. When I do finally fight back against one, I want it to count.” … Continue reading
To the American People, We, your Democratic Leaders, want you to know that we have heard your voices loud and clear, and that we are listening, because that is what our consultants who just woke up advised us to say. Now is the time to take action. You asked for a list of what we … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C.– Senator Jeff Flake tweeted a stinging rebuke of President Donald Trump’s latest controversial comments Thursday, most notably without the homemade ghost costume Flake has been wearing since September and well past Halloween. Sources say that Flake took off the billowy disguise (from under which he has been criticizing Trump for months) sometime soon … Continue reading
EL PASO, TEXAS– After Democrat Beto O’Rourke passionately told supporters in his concession speech that he was “so f—ing proud of you guys” for what they accomplished in the ultimately unsuccessful but admirably fought battle against incumbent Senator Ted Cruz, local mom Judy Veranda voiced her mild disapproval of Beto’s use of the F word. … Continue reading
EVERYWHERE, U.S.– A new study published Friday found that Trump supporters require increasingly extreme rhetoric over time in order to get off. Reaching back as far as 2011, the study closely examined how Trump supporters– once adequately satisfied with controversial (racist) statements questioning President Barack Obama’s citizenship in the United States– have habitually needed more … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s life was officially ruined in a private ceremony Saturday with his family, the president, key politicians, and the other 8 sitting supreme court justices in attendance. President Donald Trump bemoaned Kavanaugh’s ruined life to those present for the occasion before Chief Justice John Roberts and former Justice Anthony Kennedy … Continue reading
WASHINGTON D.C. – Senator Collins heroically addressed the Senate Friday to announce her intention to vote YES on Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the Supreme Court, emphasizing that “we must listen to women before we tell them it doesn’t matter.” In her passionate statement, Senator Collins bravely insisted, “we have to acknowledge the Me Too movement … Continue reading
CHICAGO, IL – Ferris Bueller doubled down Tuesday in a public statement that he spent the entire school day in question at home, sick and in bed after providing calendars from his time in high school in the 80s that make no mention of being anywhere other than his room that day. “I have never … Continue reading
It’s getting harder and harder to keep up with the headlines coming out of Washington at increasingly dizzying speeds thanks to President Trump’s apparent talent for media distraction, so you’ll be forgiven if you’ve fallen for his latest and most brilliant attention trap, ‘Pirates of The Caribbean 5’ Australian cutie Brenton Thwaites. As admittedly satisfying … Continue reading
Instead of living through the last couple weeks of garbage smell in verbal form that all of our news feeds have become, try pretending that you are, instead, a graceful creature of the sky. Your news is birdsong and your desk is the trees. Your friends are birds too and your conversation is more birdsong. You … Continue reading
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