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5 Birds To Fantasize About Living As For The Rest Of Election Season


Instead of living through the last couple weeks of garbage smell in verbal form that all of our news feeds have become, try pretending that you are, instead, a graceful creature of the sky. Your news is birdsong and your desk is the trees. Your friends are birds too and your conversation is more birdsong. You weigh a literal ounce, you eat bugs and Coffee Bean patio crumbs, and your brain can’t process the phrase “grab them by the pussy.” There are no words for that in birdsong.



As a cute li’l sparrow, your life is pecking up crumbs and being tiny and essentially weightless. You can sit on like a tiny twig at the end of a branch and you sway around just fine. Your little tweet noises at your sparrow buds are super cute, unlike the tweets promising armed revolution when Trump loses.



If the near-constant discussion of sexual assault the past couple months has got you down, live instead as a little baby owl! They’re so fluffy and their eyes are so big and they have no idea what “voter suppression” is. Awww!



You don’t have to sacrifice style if you want to pretend you are an airborne animal unconstrained by the weight of the rise of white nationalists in this election! Are bluejays even in season right now? Do they have a season? It doesn’t matter, because you’re just going to imagine you’re one in a tree for a couple weeks. Don’t even think about doing any research for this, that’s not the point. What a pretty bird!



If more peaceful birds are a little boring, you can still have fun imagining yourself attacking beachgoers’ snacks and making loud noises while not having to deal with the election at all. You get to fly over the ocean and yell at people playing volleyball! Or just watch them. The possibilities are nearly endless – because none of them include hearing another word about silencing sexual assault accusers and using different sexual assault accusers as political props.  



If birds aren’t your thing but current events make you feel like screaming and barfing at the same time, try pretending you’re a cool car! You’re very shiny and expensive, and if it even rains you get a nice soft cover that shields you from the truth behind those jokes about Hillary being a Republican.


Can’t you feel the wind in your feathers and/or sparkly chrome trim already? Mentally live as any of these birds for the next couple weeks and briefly experience true peace!     

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