CHICAGO, IL – Ferris Bueller doubled down Tuesday in a public statement that he spent the entire school day in question at home, sick and in bed after providing calendars from his time in high school in the 80s that make no mention of being anywhere other than his room that day.
“I have never met a Mr. Abe Froman or the Sausage King of Chicago,” Bueller said, rejecting the suggestion that he had done any wrong against Mr. Froman or any other high jinks on the day he maintains he was at home as evidenced by the obvious lack of any notes about it in his personal calendar.
Bueller conceded that he was known to have crashed a parade occasionally in his youth but couldn’t possibly have committed any crimes on this particular occasion because plans to do so were specifically not in his calendar. “I was a virgin for many years,” Bueller added, confusingly.
Authorities announced they were behind Bueller one-hundred percent and that any claims that he was anywhere outside his home were disgusting attempts to smear Bueller’s reputation. Bueller’s best friend, alleged to have been with him that day, has refused to testify.
Notably missing from Bueller’s calendar covering this time period were references to taking a shower, driving a car, or any designated time for spontaneity, which suggests he never showered, drove, or had unexpected plans in the 80s or since. An indignant Bueller reiterated, “everyone agrees I was definitely at home except for all the liars who saw me not at home. The calendar says everything you need to know about me and my behavior at that time,” he added, pointing to the underlined and circled word “sick” on that date.