WASHINGTON D.C.–“Representative Boehner’s roach has been deemed ‘essential’ to government function,” one furloughed employee complained. “Most of us have been piloting ourselves all along and still don’t get a paycheck right now.” The situation certainly looks bad for the much-criticized House speaker, who has been busy leading his party to record low approval ratings. The … Continue reading
After reopening practices to the media, USC’s Interim head coach Ed Orgeron added another item to the list of delicious changes that have gone into effect since former coach Lane Kiffin’s dismissal, namely the return of dessert to team meals. “You feed a lineman a cookie, he’s happy,” Orgeron, who himself is partial to classic milk … Continue reading
During the hours leading up to and following the U.S. government shutdown, Americans rallied in good traditional form by getting on Facebook and sharing their humorous take on the event. Bill Thurgood, a small business owner and internet savvy American, posted, “Can you believe the government shut down after the big game last night? Hah.” … Continue reading
“The rate of recovery, even at this point, has been staggering,” says one college football blogger. “Basic motor skills? A day in? It’s more than we could have hoped.” And many USC fans were hoping, all right. Ever since The Accident (SC’s previous season-and-a-half long era), it was unclear whether they’d see leadership that didn’t … Continue reading
They are the “Me Generation,” coddled to delusion, constantly Twittering everything on their Facebooks. When I was your age, we didn’t have these millennial “material girls” with their mohawks, robot obsession, crop tops, hair metal, and the rise of crack cocaine. All these flannel-wearing draft-dodging feminist millennials are too selfish to get a job or … Continue reading
“We believe in fostering customer loyalty,” said Apple CEO Timothy Cook in a press release this morning. “And we think this new update will help our customers become loyal to the iPhone 5s.” The Mallet and Garbage Bag update for iPhone 4 users is being touted as the overdue evolution of the 4, released in … Continue reading
Sensing some tension in the room after USC’s head-scratchingly bad loss to Washington State, Lane Kiffin decided to share where his head is at on game day in what he calmly described as, “Opposite Day.” “I like to play this little game called Opposite Day,” Kiffin explained in a recent press conference. “Pat [Haden]’s in … Continue reading
An upcoming TLC special The Man with Roughly 132 lbs of “Ballsyness” will follow the serious story of Terry Thompson Sr, a man with a medical condition that left him with the “largest confidence in the world.” In 2008, Thompson suffered a blow to what was then his “average sized, vulnerable ego” and sustained what doctors describe … Continue reading
After millions of viewers watched Desiree Hartsock accept Chris Siegfried’s proposal on last night’s explosive finale of The Bachelorette, fans of the popular reality show were shocked when allegations quickly surfaced that the bachelorette herself was suspected of dating 25 different men throughout the taping of this season. Since the news broke, Desiree and Chris have … Continue reading
According to the latest weather reports, Hurricane Flossie will not be backing out of its race toward Hawaii, saying, “it’s not my decision.” Hurricane Flossie’s persistence has meteorologists shaking their heads in the wake of the hurricane’s recent sex scandal. As one weather reporter phrased it, “it was already difficult to take it seriously with … Continue reading
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