Sensing some tension in the room after USC’s head-scratchingly bad loss to Washington State, Lane Kiffin decided to share where his head is at on game day in what he calmly described as, “Opposite Day.”
“I like to play this little game called Opposite Day,” Kiffin explained in a recent press conference. “Pat [Haden]’s in on it too, it’s kind of our special thing. It helps me relax when all the people in cardinal and gold show up to watch the boys toss the ball around in the big field place with the large parking lot outside.”
Kiffin went on to explain that Opposite Day occurs each day USC has a football game, and that the goal is to do exactly what one might guess Opposite Day entails – good means bad, bad means good, “everyone-hates-your-play-calling means you’re unstoppable,” etc. Kiffin’s responses to further questions about Opposite Day revealed that he seemed surprised game days were about football at all, much less playing the sport better than the opposing team.
“If I’m being totally honest, I wish all the noisy people wouldn’t show up like they do every week,” Kiffin continued. “It makes me feel like I have a job to do… like they expect something from me… like the ball should be thrown more than eight yards, and that’s no fun. I didn’t come here to make friends or have anyone look at me while I’m trying to win at Opposite Day and stuff.”
When asked about Opposite Day, Pat Haden did in fact appear to be familiar with the concept.
“In terms of Opposite Day stats, Kiffin has been off the charts,” said a sheepish Pat Haden, USC’s athletic director. “I’m really impressed actually – I’ve never seen anyone consistently kill it at Opposite Day like Kiffin has. I keep thinking there’s no way he can sustain it, and then he delivers what I thought was the impossible.”
“What the Fight On is Opposite Day?!” asked wide receiver Marqise Lee after learning his teammates and their coach have been playing entirely different games week after week. Quarterback Max Wittek reportedly chimed in, “It kind of makes a lot of sense.”
USC students, alumni and fans alike have been demanding Lane Kiffin’s termination since he brought shame to the Trojan Family in the 2012 season, however Kiffin has curiously been allowed to continue playing Opposite Day with the team that was once ranked number one.
“I keep hearing people say that I should fire Kiffin, and they wonder why that hasn’t happened,” sighed Haden with a shrug. “The truth is I’m just following the rules of Opposite Day. People say fire him, I have to rehire him. My hands are tied. You wouldn’t understand.”
One reporter wanted to know if Kiffin has been focusing on Opposite Day, what then is in his very secretive playbook? “Oh yeah, that. It’s just a Euro History study guide from The Princeton Review,” Kiffin replied, holding up the large-print, color-coded study tool. “I like to feel productive during the games, so I get a little learning done. Otherwise, I’m just a guy standing there.”
The press went on to ask Kiffin if the new defensive coordinator Clancy Pendergast also participates in Opposite Day, given his significantly superior performance with the defense.
“Pendergast? Right, he’s not so good at Opposite Day,” Kiffin replied apologetically. “I’ve been trying to teach him though. Give him a break, he’s new.”
Despite the flurry of questions still left unanswered, Kiffin chose to end the press conference, and responded to any remaining criticism by concluding, “You’re welcome. Unhappy Opposite Day to you. Fight Off!”
Fight Off indeed.