“We believe in fostering customer loyalty,” said Apple CEO Timothy Cook in a press release this morning. “And we think this new update will help our customers become loyal to the iPhone 5s.”

The Mallet and Garbage Bag update for iPhone 4 users is being touted as the overdue evolution of the 4, released in 2010. “Some customers have had this phone for as many as three years… and we think it’s time they invest in an upgrade,” says the download page for the Mallet and Garbage Bag. It’s noted that the M + G is compatible with almost every Apple-produced garbage can.

Some early testers of the update raved about the “sleek, classically Apple-designed rubber hammer and plastic bag,” but complain that the so-called “upgrade” rendered their phone “glitchy,” “useless,” or, in a surprising number of cases, “a pile of plastic, metal, and glass shards that I was able to throw away in the convenient attached garbage bag on my way to buy the 5s.” Others warn that we should wait for bugs to be worked out and go with next month’s Mallet and Garbage Bag 2, which is rumored to also enable you to “upgrade” the iPhone 5 and friends’ Android phones.

The release comes on the heels of their new iOS 7, which some iPhone 4 users have said isn’t completely compatible with their device. “Here is the solution for you,” Apple’s download page cheers. “Have a mallet and a garbage bag.”