In The News / Sports

Orgeron brings dessert back to USC football players; in talks to restore snuggling with girlfriends, bring sexy back, save the true meaning of Christmas

orgeron milk and cookies
After reopening practices to the media, USC’s Interim head coach Ed Orgeron added another item to the list of delicious changes that have gone into effect since former coach Lane Kiffin’s dismissal, namely the return of dessert to team meals. “You feed a lineman a cookie, he’s happy,” Orgeron, who himself is partial to classic milk and cookies, told the press before continuing with a magical twinkle in his eye, “but this is just the beginning.”

Orgeron, with cheeks like roses and his nose like a cherry, explained he aims to make the players happy and change the negative culture that has surrounded USC’s program over the last several years. “I try to encourage everybody to tell jokes now and then, get everyone into the right spirit for this special sports-time of year,” says Orgeron with a laugh, belly shaking exactly like a bowlful of jelly.

The “Holly Jolly Coach” (as affectionately calls him) also has plans to bring back old ways of allowing players to go to bed after 10pm, have birthdays, exchange gifts during the holidays, pet puppies when they encounter one, sing along to the radio, indulge in a good book from time to time, and fall in love with whomever they choose.

Orgeron credits his mood-boosting moves to his “extensive experience with improving the morale in deer– I mean, dear friends.”

Players have responded positively to the changes from Kiffin’s days as coach. Quarterback Cody Kessler told reporters, “yes, we’re really excited about the new coach. There’s an emphasis on having fun but also really getting our heads in the game.”  Kessler went on to add, “It’s just like Coach O always reminds us, ‘Tis the season… the football season.’ “

The positive changes also have the Trojan Nation singing Joy To The World, so to speak.

“Orgeron’s style is SUCH a breath of fresh air,” says alumni and longtime football fan Ted Durlen. “I finally feel good about my team again. I don’t miss the Burgermeister Meisterburger coach guy AT ALL.”

lane kiffin burgermeister

Pictured: Lane Kiffin

Pictured: Lane Kiffin

The happiness and good cheer Orgeron has restored has everyone looking forward to this Thursday’s game. “Hopefully the team’s performance will improve, but at the very least the whole vibe of the team off the field has improved by one-thousand percent,” says current USC junior Kelly Mann. “Orgeron has it right; at the end of the day it’s all about peace and goodwill toward men!”

To borrow Orgeron’s favorite saying to conclude each practice, “Merry Trojan Football to all, and to all a goodnight!”

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