WASHINGTON D.C.–“Representative Boehner’s roach has been deemed ‘essential’ to government function,” one furloughed employee complained. “Most of us have been piloting ourselves all along and still don’t get a paycheck right now.”

The situation certainly looks bad for the much-criticized House speaker, who has been busy leading his party to record low approval ratings. The cockroach reportedly takes home a $65,000/year taxpayer-funded salary plus (health!) benefits and unfettered Congressional garbage access.

“It’s just another sickening example of Congress taking their own needs more seriously than those of the American people!” the furloughed worker continues. “Where are our roaches? And our children’s roaches? And our children’s children’s future roaches?”

The roach’s public comments in his defense were mainly a lot of soft clicking noises, which were gross. They were also, most importantly, impossible to write down.

Many hope that widespread knowledge of this hypocrisy may result in enough grassroots pressure that Representatives, like Boehner, or peripheral but influential staff, like his cockroach, will work to end the shutdown. We know enough by now that we’re not holding our breath – and, reportedly, neither is the roach. He doesn’t have any lungs.