Written by Leah Folta & Lia Woodward The internet is in an uproar after this morning’s announcement that Warner Bros. greenlit an all-female reboot of beloved childhood Olsen twins favorite It Takes Two – re-ruining childhoods already devastated by the recent Ghostbusters movie. Much of the outrage centers around the idea that two memorable roles … Continue reading
Category Archives: In The News
America At Nearby Bar For Birthday This Year If You Wanna Swing By
PHILADELPHIA, PA. – Instead of hosting and cleaning up after another party in America’s apartment this year, she decided to have friends gather at a local bar. “It’ll be really low key, feel free to roll through and leave whenever,” America announced in a Facebook event. “Parking’s pretty easy, the meters on the main street … Continue reading
Nation’s Marginalized Citizens Sick Of Writing Think Pieces
LOS ANGELES, CA – As the famous law of physics states, every ignorant public comment or piece of media released by a prominent figure has an equal and opposite reaction from the blogosphere. Unfortunately for physics, ignorant comment-saying and media creation requires much less energy than the necessary response to explain why it was degrading … Continue reading
This Woman Can Only Orgasm To New Info About Gilmore Girls Revival
PASADENA, CA – The upcoming Gilmore Girls Netflix revival has aroused excitement in hordes of internet fans, but for one woman the arousal is literal – and not as fun as it sounds. “It’s ruined my life, honestly, and I’m sick of hiding it,” Tasha Perkins, 41, revealed about her newfound affliction. “I can only, … Continue reading
American More Concerned How “Brexit” Affects Hogwarts
WILMINGTON, NC – Forty-year-old American citizen and small business manager, Eric Smith, was sifting through online article after online article for any news on how “Brexit” might affect Hogwarts and the rest of the wizarding community across the pond. “I keep hearing about the Brexit and how disastrous it is for lots of U.K. industries … Continue reading
Nation’s Unemployment Rate For Andrew Garfields At 100%
WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House officials scrambled for answers this morning when news broke that the nation’s unemployment rate for Andrew Garfields has skyrocketed in recent months – to approximately 100%. “He’s so talented, he’s brilliant. There’s no reason. How did we let this happen?” A spokesperson for Garfield said in a live press conference … Continue reading
News Source Tries Out Humanizing Sexual Assault Survivor Instead of Rapist This Time
Following the conviction of a man who brutally sexually assaulted a female fellow student at a prestigious college campus, renowned national news source The Wild Times decided to really shake things up this time around and humanize the sexual assault survivor rather than her remorseless rapist in its coverage of the case. The article began … Continue reading
Obama Announces Hollywood Will Run On Renewable Blond Chris-es by 2022
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In good news for fans of sustainability and bad news for anyone already having trouble keeping track of Hollywood’s white Chris population, President Obama announced Thursday that the future of renewable Chris-es is looking bright – and very blond. “Recent advances have been astounding, but I know we can do better,” the … Continue reading
LOOK, LOOK: Ted Cruz Is Going To Eat A Bug
Please look at Ted Cruz. Continue reading
Piece Of Wood From Orange Is The New Black A “Proud Scientologist”
Before finding the Church of Scientology, Prepon was weighed down by typical struggling-actor problems, like previous negative emotions and the fact that the eyelashes glued onto her face can’t move because she is a plank of wood with no muscle tissue and also technically dead. Continue reading