“A lot of people say you can’t be a piece of wood and a good actress, but [Scientology has] really helped me become more me. It’s definitely had an effect on my career,” Laura Prepon explained to Celebrity magazine this month, with a shrug-like wobble on her flattest side. “Once auditing strips away all of this charge, these false ideas – you see that it’s possible to be a starring piece of wood on a prestigious drama.”

Before finding the Church of Scientology, Prepon was weighed down by typical struggling-actor problems, like previous negative emotions and the fact that the eyelashes glued onto her face can’t move because she is a plank of wood with no muscle tissue and also technically dead. “I recently had one of my biggest cognitions in a New Era Dianetics session. I spotted this decision I made a long time ago that was affecting me to this day… It’s mind blowing!”

After her hard work auditing all these years, Prepon seems to have shed all her former distress, sacrificing her valuable, expensive status as distressed wood. The result: “Zen-like” happiness, and a career many humans would kill for. She describes a time when a co-star turned to her and asked, “How are you always so relaxed? Nothing seems to bother you. I want to know what you are doing.” She says this is a “compliment and testament to the auditing I have done,” and secondarily a compliment and testament to her heritage: oak trees.