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Nation’s Marginalized Citizens Sick Of Writing Think Pieces
Adulthood Struggles / General Whining / In The News / Politics / Social Media / The Man

Nation’s Marginalized Citizens Sick Of Writing Think Pieces

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LOS ANGELES, CA – As the famous law of physics states, every ignorant public comment or piece of media released by a prominent figure has an equal and opposite reaction from the blogosphere. Unfortunately for physics, ignorant comment-saying and media creation requires much less energy than the necessary response to explain why it was degrading … Continue reading →

This Woman Can Only Orgasm To New Info About Gilmore Girls Revival
Celebrities / Get More Sex / Health / In The News / Movies/TV / Natural Phenomena / Women and Men

This Woman Can Only Orgasm To New Info About Gilmore Girls Revival

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PASADENA, CA – The upcoming Gilmore Girls Netflix revival has aroused excitement in hordes of internet fans, but for one woman the arousal is literal – and not as fun as it sounds. “It’s ruined my life, honestly, and I’m sick of hiding it,” Tasha Perkins, 41, revealed about her newfound affliction. “I can only, … Continue reading →

American More Concerned How “Brexit” Affects Hogwarts
Business News / Fears / In The News / Movies/TV / Politics

American More Concerned How “Brexit” Affects Hogwarts

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WILMINGTON, NC – Forty-year-old American citizen and small business manager, Eric Smith, was sifting through online article after online article for any news on how “Brexit” might affect Hogwarts and the rest of the wizarding community across the pond. “I keep hearing about the Brexit and how disastrous it is for lots of U.K. industries … Continue reading →

Nation’s Unemployment Rate For Andrew Garfields At 100%
Business News / Celebrities / In The News / Movies/TV / Politics / The Man

Nation’s Unemployment Rate For Andrew Garfields At 100%

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House officials scrambled for answers this morning when news broke that the nation’s unemployment rate for Andrew Garfields has skyrocketed in recent months – to approximately 100%. “He’s so talented, he’s brilliant. There’s no reason. How did we let this happen?” A spokesperson for Garfield said in a live press conference … Continue reading →

Local Woman Over-Pronouncing Horchata
Adulthood Struggles / Fears / Food / Neighborhood News

Local Woman Over-Pronouncing Horchata

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LOS ANGELES, CA – Local white woman Sadie Andreyevsky reported to authorities this morning that she felt “flustered, broken, and confused” – because of her favorite rice, vanilla, and cinnamon drink.   “I know I’m doing it wrong,” she announced to a silent press conference, visibly welling with emotion. “But I can’t stop. I think … Continue reading →

News Source Tries Out Humanizing Sexual Assault Survivor Instead of Rapist This Time
In The News

News Source Tries Out Humanizing Sexual Assault Survivor Instead of Rapist This Time

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Following the conviction of a man who brutally sexually assaulted a female fellow student at a prestigious college campus, renowned national news source The Wild Times decided to really shake things up this time around and humanize the sexual assault survivor rather than her remorseless rapist in its coverage of the case. The article began … Continue reading →

Mid-2000s Garfield Comic Strips Still Winner Of Most Space On Dad’s Fridge
Adulthood Struggles / Grief Counseling / Neighborhood News

Mid-2000s Garfield Comic Strips Still Winner Of Most Space On Dad’s Fridge

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ARCADIA, CA – Despite her best efforts from birth until age 27, local woman Andy Dawes has been unable to win her father’s approval to the same degree as Jim Davis c. 2002-2007. “When I grew up, it was mainly Garfield strips from the mid-80s that he’d put up there. Also some Hagar the Horrible, … Continue reading →

Does That “Haha” Make Your Email Friendlier Or Undermine Everybody’s Respect For You?
Adulthood Struggles / Advice / Self Help / The Man

Does That “Haha” Make Your Email Friendlier Or Undermine Everybody’s Respect For You?

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OPINION – In this digital age of communicating with your co-workers predominantly through written electronic mail, it’s tough to walk the line between professional and so dry you sound rude. Some of us turn to a friendly “haha” to make it clear we’re not mad, and a pretty fun person – not knowing that it … Continue reading →

Friend Late To Meal Surprised About Traffic
Adulthood Struggles / Advice / Food / General Whining / Natural Phenomena / Neighborhood News / Self Help

Friend Late To Meal Surprised About Traffic

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LOS ANGELES, CA – In a turn of events yesterday evening, Melissa finally showed up at 7:24 with breathless reports of “traffic, like, everywhere.” “I think the rest of us saw the traffic coming, given that it was dinner and dinner typically happens right at the end of rush hour,” explained one witness, a friend … Continue reading →

Obama Announces Hollywood Will Run On Renewable Blond Chris-es by 2022
Business News / Celebrities / Cute Cute Cute / In The News / Movies/TV / Politics

Obama Announces Hollywood Will Run On Renewable Blond Chris-es by 2022

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In good news for fans of sustainability and bad news for anyone already having trouble keeping track of Hollywood’s white Chris population, President Obama announced Thursday that the future of renewable Chris-es is looking bright – and very blond. “Recent advances have been astounding, but I know we can do better,” the … Continue reading →