WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House officials scrambled for answers this morning when news broke that the nation’s unemployment rate for Andrew Garfields has skyrocketed in recent months – to approximately 100%. “He’s so talented, he’s brilliant. There’s no reason. How did we let this happen?” A spokesperson for Garfield said in a live press conference … Continue reading
LOS ANGELES, CA – Local white woman Sadie Andreyevsky reported to authorities this morning that she felt “flustered, broken, and confused” – because of her favorite rice, vanilla, and cinnamon drink. “I know I’m doing it wrong,” she announced to a silent press conference, visibly welling with emotion. “But I can’t stop. I think … Continue reading
ARCADIA, CA – Despite her best efforts from birth until age 27, local woman Andy Dawes has been unable to win her father’s approval to the same degree as Jim Davis c. 2002-2007. “When I grew up, it was mainly Garfield strips from the mid-80s that he’d put up there. Also some Hagar the Horrible, … Continue reading
LOS ANGELES, CA – In a turn of events yesterday evening, Melissa finally showed up at 7:24 with breathless reports of “traffic, like, everywhere.” “I think the rest of us saw the traffic coming, given that it was dinner and dinner typically happens right at the end of rush hour,” explained one witness, a friend … Continue reading
We’ve been hooking up with this guy for way too long. Click the “Moody Batman” link below to watch. Moody Batman Continue reading
Last Saturday local resident Charlie Fells went on a “really great” first date with fellow twenty-something Meryl Morris, who according to Charlie was, “a fun, charming, and pretty woman.” Fells divulged that he then accepted an invitation to Morris’ place and proceeded to close out the night by sleeping with her, or in other words, “totally … Continue reading
A local woman in a 3-month-long “official” relationship is announcing she’s made a crucial mistake. “We kept fighting about things I do wrong, or details about past relationships I shouldn’t have brought up. So I decided to lie about both!” The woman says that when awkward topics or unhappy feelings do come up, she’s decided … Continue reading
After millions of viewers watched Desiree Hartsock accept Chris Siegfried’s proposal on last night’s explosive finale of The Bachelorette, fans of the popular reality show were shocked when allegations quickly surfaced that the bachelorette herself was suspected of dating 25 different men throughout the taping of this season. Since the news broke, Desiree and Chris have … Continue reading
EXT. LIBRARY – DAY CAITLIN, 25, leaves a library holding BOOKS. SMARMY NARRATOR (V.O.) Caitlin is just another bookish ponytail girl who’s more in love with books than boys. She trips into the arms of GREG, 25, who’s cute in a non-threatening way. They make some SWEET EYE CONTACT. SMARMY NARRATOR (V.O.) But love… Wrote her another … Continue reading
Ever since the one ring to rule them all was forged, the debate has been growing, but those most affected by it are finally speaking up. More and more female hobbits feel pressured – by their friends and peers, by their partners, by the media, and even by their parents – to remove the hair … Continue reading
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