They are the “Me Generation,” coddled to delusion, constantly Twittering everything on their Facebooks. When I was your age, we didn’t have these millennial “material girls” with their mohawks, robot obsession, crop tops, hair metal, and the rise of crack cocaine. All these flannel-wearing draft-dodging feminist millennials are too selfish to get a job or … Continue reading
Do you have dreams while you’re asleep? Are you also trying to plan an unforgettably original wedding? Moreover, have you been unable to find a list of wedding ideas bold enough to unite your dreams and your wedding plans into one? It’s time to put down your Pinterest and pick up this list of wedding … Continue reading
Because sometimes emergencies happen at parties… and all you’ve got are us, man, and we have been drinking since like this afternoon. So here is our handy guide to three emergencies that, let’s face it, are going to happen in our presence. FIRE 1. Hey man, you should maybe sit less close to the campfire. … Continue reading
Sam and Diane. Ross and Rachel. Jim and Pam. Corey and Topanga. Jon Snow and You-Know-Nothin’-Jon-Snuh. All of these pairs have something in common, and that is the burning desire Americans felt at one time or another to see these people finally get it together… sexually. And now you’re feeling that same longing for some … Continue reading
With all the other fun sex stuff you’ve discovered since your initial awakenings, we here at Handjobs® are a little concerned that you’ve forgotten handjobs. Like your childhood stuffed animal, we were important to you once. And why would you forget them? They’re more casual! It’s like a snack. And you love dinner, but still … Continue reading
Seeing all of you gathered here today, mostly in your pajamas, it’s crazy to realize that just one year ago we were just starting on this journey: capped and gowned, maybe kind of drunk, truly thrilled to see our family but also excited for them to leave so we could have sex with Kevin before … Continue reading
You’ve seen silly weight loss buzzwords like “exercise” and “eat less,” but where did fancy words ever get anyone? Here are some real, easy (like, real easy) secrets to instantly looking thinner that we can personally recommend. #3 – Stop Slouching What if I said your couple of extra pounds is actually an optical illusion? That’s … Continue reading
Scientists make new discoveries all the time, including us here in the respected, constant-discovery-making field of horoscopy. And sometimes we just straight up miss or ignore stuff we shouldn’t have. Let he who never made a mistake at his job cast the first stone, all right? Virgo – When I wrote last week that “you’re … Continue reading
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