Adulthood Struggles / Advice / Celebrities / Self Help

3 Secrets to Slim Down

You’ve seen silly weight loss buzzwords like “exercise” and “eat less,” but where did fancy words ever get anyone? Here are some real, easy (like, real easy) secrets to instantly looking thinner that we can personally recommend.

#3 – Stop Slouching

What if I said your couple of extra pounds is actually an optical illusion? That’s not at all true, but it’s a fun idea I just had. Anyway, many people slouch to “hide” their bodies, but that is about as effective as “hiding” your unruly zit under a layer of glitter. You’re only making things worse. It is shocking how many decently in-shape people slouch and deny themselves the hard rockin’ (or soft rockin’ if you prefer) bod they possess.

Take Helen Mirren. She is the master of standing up straight.

,hellen mirren bikini

You will never catch her slouching after this debacle when she thought no one was watching at this topless beach.

clint eastwood slouch censor

Take it from Helen Mirren: it works.

#2 Lose the Beard

I’m not talking about your carefully cultivated alluring stubble; I’m talking real live beards. Lots of men think that beards will make the lady folk come running in droves. Ben Affleck sure thinks so…

…because for him, it is true.

“Ms. Dunham, please, I’m a married Ben.”

Beards can be a very manly, distinguished feature on the face, but for many other men who aren’t Ben Affleck, or my dad, this is not the case. Your beard can literally be adding volume to your face right now.


Haven’t you ever seen a big fluffy dog get wet and magically turn into a skinny dog? It’s exactly the same science on which we’re basing this.

You’re here:

When truly you could be here:


You weren’t even a dog at all. That’s how much your beard is warping your appearance. And if you’re a woman, all of this goes double for you.

#1 Stop Playing the Tuba or Bassoon

Just hear us out. And we say “hear” because this one’s all about sound. Do you play the tuba or the bassoon?  Of all the instruments, these probably produce the most rotund of sounds.

I can tell you’re understanding me about the tuba: it’s no flute, and its marching band cousin the sousaphone is one of the largest things you can march around with.

Or murder around with.

Then there’s the bassoon. Ever heard the musical composition of Peter and the Wolf? In case you haven’t, it’s the story of peter and the wolf told with the sounds of different instruments representing different characters. There’s Peter, the wolves, his animal friends, and a grandfather.

People got together and decided that purely based on the sound a bassoon makes, this is what that bassoon sound would look like as a man:

Bassoon man.
And his beard is definitely not helping. If anyone should be wagging their finger, it’s us. You don’t want to sound like that man looks!

As you can see, or rather, as you will hear, shedding that tuba or bassoon will not only make you smaller, but sound smaller too. We’ve now covered two of the five senses, but to be honest we’re still working on finding ways to feel/smell/taste slimmer. We’re getting close.

Now you know everything we know! Get ready to say hello to a slimmer you!

2 thoughts on “3 Secrets to Slim Down

  1. This beard thing really needs to stop. Do men think it’s a good look? Why is it happening? Someone should investigate this terrible phenomenon.

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