Adulthood Struggles / Advice / Self Help

Horoscope Retractions (From The World’s Worst Horoscopist)

Scientists make new discoveries all the time, including us here in the respected, constant-discovery-making field of horoscopy. And sometimes we just straight up miss or ignore stuff we shouldn’t have. Let he who never made a mistake at his job cast the first stone, all right?

virgoVirgo – When I wrote last week that “you’re feeling fun and flirty this month,” I meant “that car that almost hit you as you crossed the street was supposed to kill you, and the universe is now hell-bent on making sure you DO die as soon as possible.” So that fun, flirty feeling was inside you the whole time!

scorpioScorpio – By “a visit from a mysterious stranger will bring the excitement you’ve been waiting for,” under a rising Neptune “excitement” is actually probably an STI. Should have avoided that stranger. Try a visit with a mysterious doctor, heh.

leoLeo – Leo, your entire horoscope is something I actually was trying to copy-paste into an email to a guy on Craigslist. My B. I’m not trying to buy YOUR couch, please Leos stop emailing me about your couch. Your couch is safe.

ariesAries – Wow, OK, so the stars are just REALLY bad with homonyms, but who isn’t every once in a while? You’re likely to be “boared” this month, like impaled by a wild boar, and the “wide birth” I warned you to prepare for physically is actually about walking around the boar’s territory. That makes so much more sense.

taurusTaurus – That day I told you to stay in to avoid a terrible day was actually your best chance all year to meet the love of your life and escape eternal loneliness, so… Hope it was relaxing.

libraLibra – Soo I’m a Libra, and in my weaker moments I report only the good parts of this horoscope as kind of wishful thinking. Sue me. But then my car broke down and this bar accidentally charged my tab three times and it’s like ughh why do I even try. Sorry if I got your hopes up.

sagittariusSagittarius – You probably noticed your horoscope was three pages long and titled “Your Childhood Never Leaves You.” It was an essay about a dream I had, meant to be published on a different part of the site. Any feedback/responses are welcome.

Idiot.

Idiot.

Capricorn – I honestly just really hate you, Capricorn. Every last one of you. Your confident, pragmatic approach to obstacles and your ambitious, stubborn, shy, self-centered nature has led me to totally irrationally hate you and I don’t really even want to get your horoscope right.

aquariusAquarius – I totally forgot, but your month will be best if you punch a Capricorn. Just try it, see how it feels.

cancerCancer – when I saw “cancer” in the diagram, it wasn’t about you, it’s that Gemini has cancer. Please don’t tell Gemini, they handle this kind of stuff really badly.

geminiGemini – H…h-hey, Gemini. Hope you’re feeling good. Everything was totally accurate! Don’t talk to Cancer.

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