Because sometimes emergencies happen at parties… and all you’ve got are us, man, and we have been drinking since like this afternoon. So here is our handy guide to three emergencies that, let’s face it, are going to happen in our presence.

FIRE

1. Hey man, you should maybe sit less close to the campfire.

2. Dude, did you know you’re on fire?!

3. Stop, drop, and roll!

4. Roll faster!!

5. Hit him! Everyone hit him where the fire is!

6. OKAY DON’T, THAT BURNS HANDS

7. Just… keep rolling.

8. Does anyone have a drink we can pour??

9. Beeeeer, beer all over him!

10. We’re glad your fire is out, but you should probably chip in for more beer.

 

INJURY

1. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was cutting pizza, and I was just joking, and man, I’m sorry —

2. Beth, call 911. You’re the soberest.

3. If it’s not that big of a knife, you pull it out, but if it’s a big knife, don’t pull it out. …I’m sorry.

4. Where do you keep your paper towels?

5. Beth, why didn’t you call 911?? Someone who has battery call 911.

6. I’m so sorry.

7. No, Kevin can’t drive you to the hospital, Kevin just shotgunned like four beers.

8. OK, I’m going to pull it out.

9. PUT IT BACK IN

10. I’m so so so so so sorry

 

GUNSHOTS

1. Did you hear that? …Emily says that might have been fireworks.

2. I live in this neighborhood because it’s cheap, that’s why. Also, shut up.

3. THERE’S MORE — EVERYONE IN THE TUB. I read that’s where you go.

4. Okay, only like max four people can fit in this tub. We’re going to have to vote.

5. Actually, Noah’s been kind of a dick since Emily broke up with him and Beth won’t stop crying about the gunshots so I say they go.

6. It’s my house, you guys. You can’t make me leave.

7. If you get shot, the chances are pretty low that you’d even die.

8. I dunno, I read it somewhere.

9. Fine. Fine, I’ll go sit in the hallway, and as soon as the shooting stops you guys all leave. You guys really changed since college.

10. Did anyone call the police?