Babies / Celebrities / In The News

Live Coverage on Suburban Woman’s “Royal Food Baby”

royal food baby2 has been tirelessly on the scene since Eileen Thompson, a local suburban woman, playfully announced to her husband, Kyle, on Friday evening the arrival of what she described as her “royal food baby” before settling in for the evening with some Netflix.

Earlier that same evening, the above-average-looking couple had been enjoying an impossibly large but delicious meal at the popular restaurant chain The Cheesecake Factory, which Eileen suspects resulted in the royal food baby’s presence.  Since the announcement, has been providing live coverage as this exciting, historical event unfolds.


10:00AM PST A crowd of five neighbors has gathered outside the Thompsons’ home, primarily asking why we’re here with a camera and binoculars. Several tourists have also enthusiastically joined in.

11:00AM PST Kyle releases statement, “this is not the first food baby for Eileen, and probably not the last.”

12:00PM PST Royal Food Baby merchandise, ranging from t-shirts to commemorative plates, expected to fly off the shelves.

12:15PM PST Reliable source says that Eileen highly recommends Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake.

1:00PM PST BREAKING: First official appearance of Kyle, Eileen, and the famous Royal Food Baby as they walk to their car outside their one-story home. Eileen seen wearing sweatpants and a forgiving t-shirt.

1:01PM PST Sweatpants and used t-shirt sales have skyrocketed around the corporate office, as well as (we can only assume) worldwide.

2:15PM PST Kyle posts pictures of the Cheesecake Factory’s irresistible, complimentary baskets of bread on Instagram.

4:00PM PST FUN FACT: Royal Food Babies can be harder to work off than more common food babies.

5:00PM PST Expert says Royal Food Baby’s life will be “completely unlike any typical, actual baby’s life.”

5:30PM PST BREAKING: Thompsons announce that they have affectionately named the royal food baby TUMPY. This comes as a disappointment to some, as there was hope they might arbitrarily incorporate Kyle’s parents’ names, Linda and Ron, both retired schoolteachers.  Eileen and Kyle instead have opted for a more entertaining name choice.

5:45PM PST Kyle and Eileen release statement saying they’re expected to continue their routine of watching Netflix.

6:30PM PST Sources speculate Kyle and Eileen will not be hiring a staff to help with the new Royal Food Baby.

7:00PM PST Royal Food Baby Tumpy will reportedly ride around with Eileen and Kyle in their Toyota Prius.

8:00PM PST FUN FACT: Many women who have had food babies also own Toyota Priuses, as well as other cars.

8:15PM PST Woman in the Thompsons’ neighborhood is delighted to have her own food baby on the same day as the Royal Food Baby Tumpy.

8:30PM PST Royal Food Baby themed party supplies are now available

8:45PM PST Kyle’s parents Linda and Ron pay Kyle and Eileen a visit.  It’s unclear if the visit is related to the Royal Food Baby.

9:00PM PST Inside reports say that the Thompsons’ English bulldog Herman has shown a lot of indifference to the food baby.

9:30PM PST FUN FACT: People who have had food babies say they’d consider owning an English bulldog.

10:30 PST FUN FACT: English bulldogs are prone to health problems.

11:15PM PST Neighbors report that Kyle and Eileen have been playing a lot of Stevie Wonder around the house, which probably says something about what we can expect for Royal Food Baby Tumpy’s musical taste.

11:16PM PST Stevie Wonder music sales have skyrocketed, probably.

11:45 PM PST Expert also says expectations for Royal Food Baby will “likely be impossible for it to live up to.”

12:15 AM PST Eileen allegedly stated earlier today that one day, Royal Food Baby Tumpy will oversee and inherit “nothing.”

12:30AM PST At press time, Eileen and Kyle have no plans to go to the hospital.

1:00AM PST The Thompsons have asked that we stay off their lawn if we insist on staying out here until the Royal Food Baby Tumpy disappears.

Stay with us for the latest on Royal Food Baby news!

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