In a statement issued Monday evening, Jesus of Nazareth, the central figure of Christianity, expressed his overwhelming gratitude for all of the “Likes” and “Shares” his pictures have received on Facebook, saying, “it really means a lot to me.”
Until this week, Jesus, a self-proclaimed fan of face-to-face interactions and “just picking up the phone like an adult” was not an avid Facebook user. According to reports, Jesus randomly opted to check-in on the social networking website. Upon logging-in, he was met with a slew of enthusiastic posts from the truest of his believers in his newsfeed.
Jesus went on to explain that the Facebook support couldn’t have come at a better time. “When you’re faced with all the world’s cruelty, injustice, war, and miscellaneous suffering everyday like I am, that stuff can really take a toll,” said Jesus, who does find solace in the occasional video clip of babies laughing on YouTube. “With that said, I can’t tell you what a difference a Facebook Like on a picture that happens to be of my face really makes to my day.”
After thousands of years without the internet, Jesus was beginning to wonder if anyone noticed or appreciated his presence. “Not that I need anyone’s approval, but it’s really nice to have a little feedback. You don’t want to be stuck working in a vacuum.” In spite of his preconceived notions about the site, Jesus conceded that Facebook does have its advantages. “Prayers and praise songs– don’t get me wrong, I love a good praise tune, but they are so formal. Even if people take liberties with the words, it can start to feel really rehearsed. I like the fresh, fun, competitive, even showy vibe that a tally of Likes and Shares brings to one of the most personal relationships a man, woman, or child can have.”
Jesus also suggested that in addition to staving off monotony, Facebook presents a real time-saving opportunity. “Do you know how much time it takes to sit through prayers and songs? A ‘Like’ or ‘Share’ is a much simpler way to say thank you, and we all save precious time. And I don’t even care about saving time– I’ve got loads of it! It’s you I’m thinking of… that’s just who I am. It’s in my nature.”
Jesus recalled one particular post that stood out in his mind. “Let’s see, there was one that really gave me a chuckle. It was a very handsome likeness of myself, and after the usual message about proving one’s love for me, it included a speech bubble by my mouth with a threat that if anyone didn’t Like or Share the post, then I would know they weren’t really Christians. Those folks really meant business!” After indulging in a laugh, Jesus added, “I mean really, just picture me saying something like that! Good one, guys. My dad got a real kick out of it, too.”
Social media expert Edith Melvin agrees that Facebook could very well revolutionize how The Good Shepherd interacts with his sheep. “Not only is Jesus now able to fully experience the love and adoration of his followers for the first time in history, but all who believe in him finally have a way to prove without a doubt that they are the real deal when it comes to being lovers of Jesus” says Melvin. “There’s nothing else like it.”
“To show me they cared, people used to help their fellow man and the environment; or live out my message of love and forgiveness—stuff like that. But those Facebook Likes and Shares… that was original. That really made an impression on me.” Jesus also expressed his gratitude for the straightforwardness of Likes and Shares. “Good, selfless works like feeding the hungry and caring for the sick are really nice gestures, but as I think I famously once said, ‘there is no substitute for clearly spelling out thy convictions with a thumbs-up on a brightly colored, caps-locked, grammatically creative sentence set over a painting of yours truly holding the cutest lamb you ever saw.”