They are the “Me Generation,” coddled to delusion, constantly Twittering everything on their Facebooks. When I was your age, we didn’t have these millennial “material girls” with their mohawks, robot obsession, crop tops, hair metal, and the rise of crack cocaine. All these flannel-wearing draft-dodging feminist millennials are too selfish to get a job or … Continue reading
“We believe in fostering customer loyalty,” said Apple CEO Timothy Cook in a press release this morning. “And we think this new update will help our customers become loyal to the iPhone 5s.” The Mallet and Garbage Bag update for iPhone 4 users is being touted as the overdue evolution of the 4, released in … Continue reading
If you’ve paid any attention to the film world the past few months, you know the eight-eyed face that’s managed to skitter into a hell of an overnight career. And if you’re familiar with his* first big role in a predictable Heigl rom-com, you know this success is not because of acting talent. Watching this … Continue reading
The Mystery of the Spider That Fell Behind The Dresser Nancy Drew And The Guy That Was Walking Kind Of Close Behind You After Work Anne Rice’s The Night Jogger That Ran Like A Zombie Stephen King’s The GChat About Your Boss That Your Boss Totally Walked By And Saw Harry Potter and the Shadow … Continue reading
EXT. LIBRARY – DAY CAITLIN, 25, leaves a library holding BOOKS. SMARMY NARRATOR (V.O.) Caitlin is just another bookish ponytail girl who’s more in love with books than boys. She trips into the arms of GREG, 25, who’s cute in a non-threatening way. They make some SWEET EYE CONTACT. SMARMY NARRATOR (V.O.) But love… Wrote her another … Continue reading
A fierce rivalry has exploded over the past week between a mayoral candidate’s (self-describedly) photogenic penis and a newborn British person most famous for his past work as a fetus. Fans got both figures on every major news program, loudly proclaiming “I need more!” over non-fan mumblings like “why are either of these news.” One … Continue reading
Because sometimes emergencies happen at parties… and all you’ve got are us, man, and we have been drinking since like this afternoon. So here is our handy guide to three emergencies that, let’s face it, are going to happen in our presence. FIRE 1. Hey man, you should maybe sit less close to the campfire. … Continue reading
You know you’d buy it. Continue reading
With all the other fun sex stuff you’ve discovered since your initial awakenings, we here at Handjobs® are a little concerned that you’ve forgotten handjobs. Like your childhood stuffed animal, we were important to you once. And why would you forget them? They’re more casual! It’s like a snack. And you love dinner, but still … Continue reading
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