Things super successful people do before 8am. Productive people wake up really early. Wake up insanely early. Other articles that would fill you with rage if you weren’t so tired. Despite the mainstream internet media’s weird obsession with getting you to get up before sunrise, accomplished humans who are also nonfunctional in the AM are finally shambling out of the woodwork. Just give them a minute and talk softly before they get their caffeine fix, please!

Warren Buffett, billionaire business magnate, philanthropist – “The work day has to start at 9am for some reason. So for the last 40 years, from 9am-noon I get propped up Weekend At Bernie’s style between a broom handle and a senior VP and wake up in time for lunch. Started before Weekend At Bernie’s even came out. I invented that.”

Marissa Mayer, Yahoo! CEO – “I told my office coordinator that if we keep scheduling meetings at 8am, I will blowtorch her stupid Camry.”

James Madison, founding father of America – “At 5am I rise, wash, take resolution of the day– OBVIOUSLY NO PERSON TRULY DOES THAT, BEN FRANKLIN, you pompous maniac. I rise at 9:30 and roll into Congress complaining about traffic like everybody else.”

Oprah, billionaire entertainment mogul – “Next time my assistant talks about her 5am yoga class, I’m going to book a hotel in the desert and won’t tell anyone where I’m going. Watch that smug little bird girl try to explain how she lost Oprah. Heh. ‘I- I- I don’t know! She’s just gone!’ she’ll say. Goblin.”

Joe Biden, Vice President of the United States – “Visiting hours are 5pm-sunrise. Get out of here until then. I will blowtorch your stupid Camry, friend.”