Millions of readers have been begging for alternatives to the tired old Nurse-Patient dynamic (yawn!), and we have heard your freaky plea.
After a little bit of brainstorming, here are eight real life-inspired roles complete with helpful dialogue suggestions to get you into character on your spicy nighttime funtivities.
1) Dermatologist and Patient
Dermatologist: Can you tell me who your primary care physician is?
Patient: Yeah, uh, you know I have a hard time pronouncing it, but I wrote it on the form-
Dermatologist: Oh yes that’s fine. So you’re here about a mole, huh?
Patient: Yup, it’s right here on my neck, see? It’s probably nothing…
Dermatologist: Always good to get checked out. Do you have any history of other skin conditions? I’ll be back in a few minutes, but I’m going to have you take your shirt off for me.
2) Green Peace Recruiter and Meek Pedestrian
Green Peace Recruiter: Hey can I talk to you for a second about the orangutans and how their homes are being destroyed?
Meek Pedestrian: Orangutans?
Green Peace Recruiter: Yeah look at these heartbreaking pictures of them fleeing! You have the power to help if you just sign this donation list here-
Meek Pedestrian: Ehh I’m kind of on my way to something…?
Green Peace Recruiter: I totally get that, this’ll just take a few minutes.
Meek Pedestrian: Okay fine.
Green Peace Recruiter: Awesome, the rainforest thanks you! First things first, do you care if I leave my socks on during?
3) Sports Arena Snack Vendor and Fan
Sports Arena Snack Vendor: Peanuts! Lemonade! Dibs ice cream!
Fan: Hey I’ll take some of those Dibs!
Snack Vendor: Yes Ma’am! That’ll be five dollars… and your undergarments.
4) Customer Service Robot and Caller With A Problem
Customer Service Robot: Hello. Please clearly state your question.
Caller: Changed account password doesn’t work.
Customer Service Robot: I’m sorry, I cannot understand your question. Please try again.
Caller: Changed. Account. Password. Does. Not. Work.
Customer Service Robot: For password assistance, please press one.
Customer Service Robot. I’m sorry, I cannot understand that question. Please try again.
Caller: What are you wearing?
5) Film Director and 1st AD
AD: Hey listen, we seriously need to hurry this up-
Director: I know, I know.
AD: I’m not kidding, we need to move fast, we were supposed to break for lunch like, hours ago.
Director: This’ll just be five more minutes!
AD: You get TWO!
Director: Oh yeah?
AD: Yeah! Oh god, Yeah!
6) Neighborhood Watch and Suspicious Character
Neighborhood Watch: Where are you off to at this hour?
Suspicious Character: Oh… you know.
Neighborhood Watch: No, I don’t. I’m gonna have to ask you to leave– are those drugs in your mouth?!
Suspicious Character: YOU CAN’T CATCH MEEEE!
Neighborhood Watch: I’m calling the police! After we do a bunch of consensual stuff!
7) Alex Trebek and Jeopardy Contestant
Jeopardy Contestant: Toys for 500 please.
Alex Trebek: A caveman-themed game in which “rocks” were thrown at other players led to the creation of this product in 1969.
Jeopardy Contestant: What is Nerf?
Alex Trebek: You got it.
Jeopardy Contestant: Things I’m Going To Do To You for 800.
Alex Trebek: And that’s today’s Daily Double!
Jeopardy Contestant: I’ll wager… 2,000.
Alex Trebek: This pivotal scene in the film Atonement, starring Keira Knightley and James Mccavoy.
Jeopardy Contestant: What is… watch me strip down and jump into a fountain?
Alex Trebek(superior smile): Sorry, but the correct answer is ‘Passionately do you against a wall of books in the library!’
8) Internet Blogger and Troll In The Comments
Blogger: I really enjoy drinking hot chocolate and spending time around puppies, but who doesn’t? That’s all for today.
Troll: I doesn’t. I hate them. I hate all those things.
Blogger: What why??
Troll: This blog is stupid I don’t know why I even read it it’s the dumbest thing I’ve seen on the internet all day I’m gonna tell all of my friends never to read this blog go crawl in a hole you probably look like a turtle when you wear shorts.
Blogger: You’re an awful person.
Troll: THIS IS ALL OBAMA’S FAULT.