Harriet Vazquez, a sales rep in your building, confirmed that you were absolutely not in her dream last night, or any other night in recent memory. She added that on the off chance you were to find that scenario acceptable, she would not rule out the possibility of your appearance in future dreams, perhaps as something resembling but not necessarily a romantic interest, while restating that is definitely not what is already happening.
“Most nights I don’t even remember my dreams,” said Vazquez, eyeing an open window on her desktop to a dream interpretation website. “This is just in case.”
Vazquez candidly shared with reporters that she does not keep a dream diary purchased from the check-out area at Barnes and Noble, and even if she did, there’s no way it would be filled with last night’s details about the way she felt when “you looked into [her] eyes and kissed [her] on that deserted beach surrounded by the cast of Cheers and random furniture from [her] childhood best friend’s house.” However, sources say if hard evidence that you would not find this revelation uncomfortable were to surface, “it could be, hypothetically, a game changer.”
Adam Lehrmann, your professional colleague who has been both best friends with and quietly romantically interested in Vazquez for the past several years, corroborated Vazquez’s story. “Harriet—beautiful, smart, funny Harriet – did not even remotely dream that she was in the break room when you surprised her with an emotional declaration of your feelings followed by a passionate moment up against the office refrigerator, much less tell me all about it this morning.” In regards to the prospect that you might be open to the idea of Vazquez dreaming about you, Lehrmann stated that he would have no choice but to be happy for her but “did not want to think about that right now.” Lehrmann added Vazquez is a special woman and that “anyone would be lucky to be in her dreams if she were having them, which she’s not.”
Vazquez insists that if for some reason you’re under the impression she dreamed about the two of you “living out an entire Jane Austen-esque epic love saga but with lightsabers and old beloved pets confusingly thrown into the mix,” you’d be dead wrong, assuming that it is not at all what you want, of course.
If, on the other hand, the theoretical concept of Vazquez dreaming about “making intense love to you in the middle of an historic library after-hours while snow made of ice cream softly falls outside and the smell of your neck is unlike anything [she] can describe” is intriguing to you, you are welcome to pop your head into her office any time and discuss the matter further.