“I’m here to reach across the aisle and see which parts of me being eaten can align with my goals as well,” one Democratic legislator said early Thursday in between guttural shrieks of pain. “It’s impossible to fight back against every bite. When I do finally fight back against one, I want it to count.” 

It was difficult to identify the lawmaker through the sprays of blood, but they assured reporters that they are hearing constituents who are crying out for the attack to stop. “I understand that nobody wants to die, and listen, I’m not happy about it either. If voters want to do something, they can consider chipping in five dollars to fund my efforts against being eaten by this bear right now.” 

When pressed on what efforts the Democratic leader specifically was intending to put forth, their response was unspecific, but optimistic. “Listen, nothing in government happens quickly. Unless you are a bear, or the bear’s friends. It seems like they have found ways to feast on whoever they wish on whatever timeline suits them. It might be easier to say that nothing that will make anyone’s lives tangibly better happens quickly.” 

With their last gasps for air, the lawmaker’s remaining flesh insisted they would not define themselves as anti-bear or anti-mauling – a position some have decried as “radical” or “unrealistic.”