“I’ve never felt connected to the attributes of my Chinese zodiac sign, the cock,” explains 32-year-old Harlan White. He just finished a weeklong bender in Van Nuys and came out with a rather permanent way to remember the otherwise fun vacation – a majestic red cock across his left shoulder.

“Cocks are supposed to be social, straightforward, energetic,” Harlan recalls sadly. “I’m way more cagey and neurotic, and sleep a lot at the expense of my personal relationships.”

So why did he let such a thing happen? Harlan thinks he was just another “victim of the charisma of the whole Van Nuys scene.” He said he’s never seriously considered a tattoo or taken astrology seriously – “especially the Chinese one. How could a whole year’s worth of cocks be that similar?!”

The bender was also uncharacteristic of him, brought on by a breakup coinciding with a buddy’s bachelor party. “Maybe I was trying to tell myself that I do have these traits in me – that maybe I’ve had a cock inside I’ve been ignoring,” Harlan wonders aloud. “This could be a good turning point for me. If I’m going to brand myself with a big, red cock, I might as well act like one.”