Adulthood Struggles / General Whining / Sports / The Man

The Customer Service Championship (If Dealing with Customer Service was a Sport)


The winners won, the losers blurted some “accidental” slurs, and the season is now wrapped up after the Keep Calm With Customer Service championship.


The competition was long and bitter, as usual, in the three civilian vs. service rep final matches leading up to the championship game. The youngest competitor, college student Ian, got himself a draw against Greg with T-Mobile. He called about his month-old smartphone freezing and before the word “warranty” even came into play he almost agreed to a new phone, contract, and accessories. Some impressive work from newcomer Greg, but Ian avoided a slaughter by fleeing the competition completely. Just picked up and ran out of the building. A career-ending flee for Ian, but less shameful than a new contract.

The up-and-coming nurse Jeanette was defeated handily by Gnaneswar all the way from Delhi over her crashed PC. She was faultless in the crash, but her warranty had run out? Rookie move, Jeanette. She almost won some points back by asking to talk to a supervisor, but disintegrated into violent weeping before she was transferred. Gnaneswar was awarded extra points for each of her tears (many).

This is the first year we’ve allowed automated systems to compete in the Customer Service Championships, and boy, were we missing out! DX764-77 obliterated Shawnda, a mother from Kentucky, who called because her cable went out. She was run through a maze of hazy options, restarted completely six times, and finally “I’m sorry, I don’t understand that option,” was DX764-77’s defeating blow against her smashing “0” “0” “0” until she passed out.


The Customer Service winners in the finals, DX764-77 and Gnaneswar, were – twist! – both officially controlled by Gnaneswar. The wild card civilian opponent, Ted “Left-Eye” Hendricks, had just recently been incarcerated and is having some difficulty restarting his utilities. He came to the field armed only with a baseball bat and marched straight for Gnaneswar, but before he came within bat-ing range Gnaneswar had Ted somehow on his knees, reconsidering his rough tendencies, begging to see his wife and his children and asking if his parents still had that old violin he played in fourth grade.

Ted forgot he was participating in a competition at all, and it was frankly a majestic, compelling victory by Gnaneswar (aided by DX764-77). We look forward to their work together next season. Remember, with this year – as with every year – customer service always wins.

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