Adulthood Struggles / Advice / Feats Of Musical Genius / General Whining / Grief Counseling

The Musical Soundtrack To Postgrad Unemployment

Your first summer as a degreed adult has dawned. As you may have noticed, the rest of your life sprawls endlessly, terrifyingly before you with no semblance of the former school-year structure you’ve known for roughly 90% of your life.

Luckily, when I graduated I decided to capture the sounds of this horrible time in song!

I don’t, however, know how to make songs, so here is an outline with some obvious potential. We’ll cover ideas about everything from unemployment to social starvation to real starvation.

1. Interviewin’

This upbeat, pop-y opener is about fresh-faced optimism and also how a bachelor’s degree doesn’t necessarily qualify you to take someone’s phone messages.

2. I Never Learned To Feed Myself feat. Pasta, Mostly

This upbeat, pop-y second track is about the nutritional value in Pop-Tarts and beer.

3. Moving Back Home

I feel like the third track is far enough along to get a little personal. This upbeat, pop-y number is about how maybe I’d mope less if I didn’t have to live on the couch, and how my mom should shut up.

4. Entry Level Unpaid

It’s like a house/trance type song where the only lyrics are “1-5 years experience required.” Over and over and over again.

5. How Do You Meet People Now feat. All Of My Exes (Remix)

A “Mambo No. 5” for the generation that isn’t afraid to admit desperation. My greatest hope is that people find it to be an endearing soundtrack for seduction, and if it garners just one person some sex I’d be happy. (Especially if that one person were me.)

6. Reality Check

This is a fierce, emotional ballad about the time I rode the bus home from screwing up an interview. A man sneezed on me several times and I was feeling very sorry for myself until a young woman sat down with two toddlers and a baby – I realized: at least I don’t have kids.

7. This Song Is Sexy

The next song is twenty minutes long and is just me reading my unreturned drunk texts to exes out loud, set to a sexy bass line with the important bits echoed by sexy backup singers. It’ll be really cool.

Sample Lyrics: you get home ok / hey what are you up to / (what are you up to) / still up? lol / can’t fall asleep, super bored / (what are you up to) / want to hang out? / can’t be my place, my mom’s been such a Nazi / (such a Nazi, Nazi) / this thing on? lol / hey have you seen Superman yet (etc.)

BONUS TRACK: The Resounding Sound Of My Own Insignificance

Sample Lyric: (Person crying)

If you’d like to purchase a soon-to-be-album for yourself, and/or other copies as a gift, please also notify my parents so they know they were always wrong.

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