General Whining

4 People You Don’t Want To Talk To About The Oscars

ON THEIR FAVORITE FOR BEST PICTURE

Your Dad: “Nobody from Two And A Half Men is in any of these.”

Your Friend Who Went To Film School: “Did you see Amour or Beasts of the Southern Wild? No? Then a tie between those.”

Your Grandmother: “You know who’s a real shiny apple, is that Ben Affleck.”

Abraham Lincoln (of Lincoln): “It is my sincere hope that Americans on the side of each of these nine films find a way to end this conflict without further bloodshed. It is a grave time in our nation’s history. But if I had to pick, Lincoln.”

ON THEIR MOST MOVING MOVIE MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Your Dad: “Your mother dragged me to see Les Mis, and at the love song with the young kids I FINALLY fell asleep. That nap was beautiful.”

Your Friend Who Went To Film School: “The moment my $200k education paid off when I ‘got’ The Master. Worth it.”

Your Grandmother: “I thought that love scene in The Argo was bea-YOO-tifully handled. Mmm.”

Abraham Lincoln (of Lincoln): “I’m just halfway through rewatching Lincoln, but it’s hard to choose a fav–“ (Fatally wounded to the head) “Aughglghlhglhghl–”

Your Grandmother: “…Nevermind. That was a dream I had. …Mm.”

ON WHO THEY THOUGHT GOT SNUBBED

Your Dad: “Charlie Sheen. The Kutcher kid is a pathetic replacement.”

Your Friend Who Went To Film School: “The strangled indie industry and everyone who didn’t kiss Academy ass! This business is a farce!… Please don’t tell them I called it a farce.”

Your Grandmother: “That Finding Nemo was just so nice. Maybe next year.”

Abraham Lincoln (of Lincoln): “Hopefully… not…. Lincoln….” (Dies)

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